I'm going home.

2008-09-14T15:06:00.001+08:00

-PostSecret.com

Woah, that's some heavy shit right there.

2008-08-18T19:39:00.003+08:00

Haha alright, since I got tagged...and there's a chance that you can win a free movie ticket, why not! Heh.

Wanna join me? This is what you do.

1) Cut n paste the following statement of mine (below) into your blog.

2) Follow on with your own statement, starting with "The craziest thing I have done for love is..."

3) Tag a bunch of people you know

(1) The craziest thing I have done for love is to cry over a lost one.. what a waste of tears.

Catch Wall-E in cinemas from 28 August 2008

(ORIGINATOR BLOG: http://sgfairy.blogspot.com)

(2) The craziest thing I have done for love is collecting empty cigarette boxes from friends, filling them with sweets (Halls Honey Lemon and jellybeans if i didn't remember wrongly), creating a 12-packs-of-sweets-in-cigarette-boxes -- because he was thinking of quitting/cutting down on smoking then.

Catch Wall-E in cinemas from 28 August 2008

(Blog: http://sinus-gal.livejournal.com)

(3) The craziest thing I have done for love is uhh, spending 900 bucks on phone calls in a week while overseas, just to stay in touch.

Catch Wall-E in cinemas from 28 August 2008

(Blog: http://jainoperante.blogspot.com)

My tags:
(1) Cons
(2) Jeannette
(3) Drew

2008-08-13T20:57:00.002+08:00

a clean slate

Training was awesome. I mean, damn it feels great to have a coach that believes in you. He spoke to me briefly before trainings and told me that I was very much a part of his plans - mann those words really fired me up and fuck me if I'm gonna stand around and watch the world pass me by anymore!

It's been so so so difficult to watch from the sidelines while someone else establishes herself in your place, and it's even worse when you hear other people tell you about how good and how intelligent a player she's become - which in all honesty, she is. For a while, it really made me wonder if I'll ever get a chance to earn my place back 'cos every time I get on, I'm in a position which I detest. He got me down so bad, I kept thinking if I had made the right choice in giving up debates and hockey to concentrate on football.

Shit, I still hate how he made me feel so self-conscious and awful every match. I literally ran away from the stadium after the first match - I was so afraid that I'll end up bawling like a baby in the locker room. I keep thinking why the results were ringing hollow to me and that makes me feel so guilty 'cos I'm a part of the team and I'm supposed to be happy for them but damnit, why does it hurt so bloody bad to smile and join in the celebrations. Man, there were so many times I wished I could just dig a hole and stay there forever.

I hated it, and I hated myself, for so many things - for being a lousy team mate, for giving up on my place, for a million and one hundred other reasons. I know that it's still an uphill task for me, it's going to be difficult to convince my team mates and it's even harder to redeem myself in my own opinion but hell, I'm gonna try.

Uhh, I know that most of these feelings may be the creation of my own overactive imagination but sometimes you just can't help the way you feel. I doubt that anyone from ntuws will read this, but just in case anyone stumbles upon it, I hope you understand that I'm still really proud to be a part of the team, it's just that occasionally bad thoughts get into your head and you can't get them out, you know? It's nothing personal against anyone, except He-who-must-not-be-named.

Alright, now that that's all out of my system and I've exorcise my demons, I need to look forward and move on. So if things go according to plan, I'll never have to bring this up again!

2008-08-11T07:34:00.002+08:00

An excerpt from "Brian O'Driscoll: A Year in the Centre"

"Walked onto the pitch after the final whistle to share the moment with the lads, though I felt a bit detached from everything. Wandered around a bit aimlessly in my Lions jacket, blazer and tie, congratulating the New Zealand boys and trying to say the right things to my team, except they were "my team" anymore. Their memories aren't my memories. I wasn't there on the pitch putting my body on the line like they did - I was in my jacket in the stand, drinking a cuppa at half-time and enjoying a New Zealand pie and hating every moment of watching, not playing."

How fucking apt.

But putting my personal feelings aside, it was a good game, though the pitch was rather sketchy. The girls never gave up, even after falling 1 goal back, so I think it was a good showing. Everyone on the field worked really hard and I think we needed this victory - especially after last week.

2008-08-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

Wow, it's been long.

and and and I can't believe school's gonna start tomorrow, I'm still trying to remember that I have to go to school in the morning. But the holidays were getting boring, so I guess it's a good thing that we get to get back into some sort of a regime. Besides, any regime that doesn't consist of spending money and gorging yourself on food sounds delightful right now.

Anyway, league has started and personally, it's been very disappointing. Being thrusted into this new role feels very foreign, and it's a helluva bitter pill to swallow. Honest to God, I wish I could be more magnamonious about it, but I can't. I can't pretend that I'm thrilled to be given an opportunity to play for the last 10-15 minutes of every game in a position that I dislike immensely 'cos I'm not. I know everyone of us has to earn our place in the starting 11 but boy is it depressing to realise that you're never gonna get a fair chance. You might say that I should keep my head down and do what's best for the team, but I've been thinking of the team ever since I realised that I could play like ronaldo and still have my ass glued to the bench.

Gosh, and anyone who thinks that I should fall on my knees to thank him for giving me an opportunity to play can go and suck balls - I ain't that desperate and I'm not talking about who you think I'm talking about, seriously.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm awfully bitter but I do realise that there're some things that I'm gonna have to work very hard on and honestly, I don't mind sitting on the bench if people are playing well. Then I'll have nothing to say, you know? But hell if he's gonna pretend otherwise when someone's having an off day then some of us are just gonna have to sit there and suck thumb I guess.

I like the team fair enough, but I dislike him immensely. It ain't so bad if he would make more of an effort to listen to us but he's like mount Everest once he makes a decision, you can't move him and he's so fucking hard headed he makes me look like a pussycat in comparision.

I'm not trying to create politics or whatever mann, just got to get it off my chest. I guess if anyone has a problem with what I've just said you can come and look for me. Don't go around shooting your mouth off when you don't even know the whole story.

For all I know, I may be dead wrong and I could actually really be the lousiest player on the whole team but if that's the case, then I guess you can tell me and I'll think about it and maybe I'll even apologise.

But I think that's gonna be one cold day in hell.

2008-06-22T18:53:00.002+08:00

I always end up living on autopilot, a day at a time, a hundred days in a flash, and with pretty much nothing to show for it except a devil's to do list that only gets longer.

I think hard enough about making positive changes I suppose, but with every fleeting thought I just seem to sink deeper and deeper into my life of apathy and sloth.

I don't know, my mind's a mess right now.

To be honest, I don't feel much like doing the camp, but yeah.

2008-06-01T05:36:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep. Boo.

Tossed and turned in bed for an hour before I managed to fall asleep somewhere in between 1am-5am and that was that. Now, I'm up again. No more cat naps 'cos I figured an hour's not going to make much of an difference anyway. Maybe I'll live to regret my words but not now because I have to shower and pack and eat breakfast and still reach Choa Chu Kang by 7.15am. 1 hour and 30 mins should be more than enough but you never know, I'm one heck of a procrascinator and traffic can be unpredictable.

And and and I blame my insomnia on a lousy flu. Is it flu season already again? I don't like flu season. Usually, I hardly get half a chance to wonder why everyone's falling sick before I start coughing and sniffing myself.

That, and a shot ankle doesn't leave me in the best condition but we'll see. Maybe we'll pull a rabbit out of our hats.

You think?

2008-05-28T13:57:00.002+08:00

I'm at work now and I wish that it'll stop raining soon so that I can get to the bank and go home.

I think that my life is very boring.

I shall bring my work home to do.

Bye bye.

2008-05-10T21:13:00.003+08:00

I know it's been a while, but that's definitely not because I haven't been trying - I just don't exactly know what I want to say.

BUT the finals have been over for a while now and I think everyone's slowly settling into some sort of a routine that hopefully doesn't involve late nights, excessive sleep debts and copious amounts of caffeine. Hahas!

Though I'm not really here to talk about all that. I don't know, I don't exactly remember the last time I spoke about camps and being an instructor. Maybe this is like what they say, that at the end you start to think about the beginning. I don't think this is the end, but then again, plenty of things have changed. I've changed - seen more things, perhaps grew that teeny weeny bit.
More than that, I've come to realise that I'm losing the one thing that in my opinion, separates a good instructor from everyone else - sincerity, and that as I gain more experience and process more information about the system, I've come to be able to manupulate the system. Do less, but achieve the same desired effect you know? I don't know if this qualifies as shooting myself in the foot, but hell, I don't like myself much when a camper comes up to me and a strange sense of annoyance overcomes me. I mean, of course I don't blow anyone off but this kind of thing never used to come up before. It's kind of disappointing 'cause I would never want to be like everyone else when I look at my campers. Most of them are fantastic kids stuck in a bad situation and they're doing the best they can. Shit, they've more heart than me.
I also know that being a camp instructor was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Before all of this, I was spoilt rotten and living in my own sugar coated bubblegum world. Now, I'm still kind of spoilt but at least I've come to understand that not everyone is lucky like me and that truly great people cannot be defined by postal codes or school badges. I've met some seriously amazing campers, whose optimism and drive for life leads me to wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my own.

Hahas do I even make sense?

I don't know, I miss camps, but I don't want to go back and do things half-heartedly. I want to go back and do things right again and I wanna make a difference.

I guess I have some thinking to do.

But anyway, I've something else to say and then I've got to shower and sleep. I don't know if I'm stirring shit up but hell, it's my blog and I can write whatever I want and everyone else who doesn't agree can go suck balls. HAHAHAHAHAS!

People who find out about "So and So" have a tendency to ask me if I can ever see us getting back together. I always replied quite truthfully that I don't think so. I mean, NEVER is too big a word and people say "never say never" all the time, but I honestly doubt it lar. For one thing, "So and So" is happily attached, but more importantly, I think I would rather not take the risk of ruining all the happy memories I have of our time together. Besides, I don't even know if we'll like each other much now, what with all the changes and such, much less fall in love all over again but that's out of point.

Hahas I'm rambling.

ANYWAY, I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie you know? Take the memories and walk away. Call me yellow, but unless you're pretty damn sure that "So and So" is THE ONE AND ONLY, don't go and fuck things up any worse that they already are. Besides, it's taken you so long to come this way, why put your heart on a platter and risk getting it broken all over again. I know you can't love without putting everything on the line, but after everything that has happened, are you willing to risk going through everything again? It only takes one time to start a pattern, you know.

Gosh I know this sounds harsh, but just trying to tell it like it is. Whatever decision we choose to make, the lucky ones among us will know that our friends will still have our back, but ultimately you're the one who is responsible for your actions. I guess that means you pay the price too.

Hahas I think I've said too much already, about camps and everything else. But it's honest, no? Maybe I feel like baring my soul tonight. HAHAHAS.

2008-04-24T20:44:00.002+08:00

I'm really annoyed now, so before anything else happens, I've something to say:
Listen you p****, those were my eclairs.
I don't care if I eat them today, tomorrow, next sat or sometime in the next century, you don't touch my frigging eclairs! @#$#%#@$%@$!

There, much better.

Alright, anyway many thanks and much love to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! Hahas though I was pretty much stuck at home the whole day studying, it was nice to know that people remembered in the midst of the finals. :D

Hahas anyway, I'm going to watch the green mile now.

BYE!

2008-04-13T11:51:00.002+08:00

The Contender Asia finale was FREAKING AWESOME!!! :D :D :D

But now, I don't feel like studying anymore. HAHAHAHAHAS.

2008-04-03T22:48:00.002+08:00

Whenever the finals are right around the corner, I suddenly find myself with a million and one things I wanna do, except study.

But!
I'm really excited about this coming holidays, hopefully I'll finally get some time to do all the things I've been wanting to do since eons ago.

Bugger.

2008-03-27T21:12:00.002+08:00

Hahas it's been a while.

Because of marketing, the past week has been so crazy.
But now it's finally over.

The presentation went alright I suppose and even though there was some hiccups along the way, I think we did fine. We had a great time though, when the whole group went out to celebrate after the presentation. Dinner at crystal jade, and then some of us went for a drink at walas. On hindsight, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to take marketing and person & society in the same semester, but I've met a great bunch of people through marketing and I throughly enjoy person & society so I think it's working out alright.

Then again, I may not be singing the same tune when finals arrive. Hahas.

Speaking of which, it's only 2 weeks before finals and I think I need to start studying.

Bummer.

2008-03-13T22:05:00.002+08:00

I've got the most awesome cousins!

Hahas I know I'm lucky 'cos my cousins and I are pretty tight. I mean, we hang out together a whole lot (we always have a pretty good time, which is really cool) and I think it's nice the way that we try to get together to celebrate the birthdays or special occasions for each other because I know not many people share that same kind of relationship with their cousins, or their aunties, for that matter.

To be honest, we've might not have the greatest relationships with each other growing up but grown up, I'll say we're a heck of a team. My older cousins work hard to look out for me, keep me on the straight and narrow, and I try to do the same for my younger cousins. I think that's what family means, you know, just looking out for each other.

Hahas I didn't have an epiphany or anything, but the greatest thing just happened and I'm really excited. Heh. Seriously, it's super cool and it's the next best thing since I won't be able to celebrate my birthday. Okay actually, this is WAY better than that.

But I'm keeping this to myself in case it doesn't pan out.

Hahas! I think that tells you a whole lot about me mann. There's always this little voice at the back of my head telling me not to get all worked up and excited about it on the offchance that things could go wrong.

Oh hell, I think I've been really jaded and cynical and weary ever since school started and all that shit hit the fan. I keep expecting to come off second best or for things to screw up. Maybe, maybe the crazy weather's getting to me and I'm losing my head. Maybe, maybe that's just me.

Hahas whatever it is, it's the mummy's birthday tomorrow and I'm thinking of waking up early to buy breakfast for her. I think people shouldn't have to eat bread on their birthdays, it's kind of sad but then again, going to holland v just to get porridge sounds dumb and like a lot of work. LOL. We'll see lar, anyway she wakes up really early so I best be getting to bed now if I want to beat her to it.

Nights world.

2008-03-08T22:48:00.002+08:00

Fuck fuck fuck.

And if the week wasn't bad enough, it is now.
How come everytime I'm in a really lousy mood I have to chew my fingernails raw and watch manchester united lose.
Lady luck must really be shining on whichever side I'm not mann. Any other day it would have been a thrashing, but today of all days we had to concede a penalty and crash out of the FA cup.

And lose 2 keepers in the process.
Fucking hell.

I mean, we had 454982374945 chances.
THIS STINKS.

2008-03-08T17:21:00.002+08:00

I need to keep my head down and just concentrate on getting by, one day at a time.

I've been spending the last week in a funk, for no good reason other than a weird and depressing feeling I can't articulate. Nothing feels right now, and I haven't exactly been doing myself a favour by being such an anti-social bastard. I mean, I hate to pretend that I'm having a good time when I'm not, but at the same time, sitting by myself in a corner isn't the best thing to do when your mind's running a mile a minute, jumping from one disconnected thought to another.

It isn't anyone's fault really, I just can't shake off this "I'm depressed as hell and all I really want to do is to crawl back into bed and stay there forever" feeling, which makes it really hard to face the rest of the world. Especially since there's so much to do, and so little time. I suppose sociologists were right when they said alienation from self and meaningful work was a cause of misery because I'm miserable as hell.

Maybe I need to exercise more - people say that exercising regularly produce endrophins and make you happy. But I don't have the time and besides, I've been told to layoff from training for a month so that's obviously not going to work.

I think I'm getting too old for me, but I obviously can't stand to live in my head. It's not about anything or anyone in particular, I think I just need to get away and find a way to get focused again. You know, find some passion for living 'cos obviously there's an awful long way to go.

This funk isn't really chicken soup for the soul.

2008-03-04T22:58:00.001+08:00

I get extremely cranky everytime wednesday rolls about.
Go figure.

To everyone else: BITE ME.

ARGHHH.

2008-02-24T20:32:00.002+08:00

I need to defrost my toblerone.

Seriously 'cos I don't like eating chocolate straight from the fridge - I think it's bad for my teeth. Besides, it tends to taste like stale fridge air. Hahas! If you don't believe me, you should try it.

Anyway, recess week is upon us and it's nice to be able to stay in and do nothing for a change. I've been sleeping a lot the past 3 days, maybe an average of 14 hours a day? Lol. But I think my pillow's trashed, my neck hurts mann. Speaking of holidays, hopefully I'll be able to sit down and get some studying done over the next few days, maybe hang out with my friends and perhaps perhaps perhaps get started on some semblance of a gym regime.

I wanna go swimming too! The blue over-chlorinated water looks pretty invitating!
Oh damn I think I just jinxed myself.

Okay nevermind, the last 2 weeks have been crazy busy. The tournament didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, but I think we'll all take home some important lessons. Whatever it is, I think it has the potential to be the best or worst thing that's ever happened to us. Don't wanna harp on it too much, so we'll see.

Damn I need a massage.

2008-02-15T04:53:00.002+08:00

It's 4.56am and I can't sleep.
I mean, I slept until 3.40 but then I had to pee and now lalaland eludes me.
BOO.

I suppose another valentine's day has come and gone, without any fanfare on my behalf, and you know, if I didn't know any better, I would think that I could get used to this.

Yeah, it was a non-event in my calender and I didn't mind it much, I guess, since I spent a good part of the day at home or training - just kept my head down and went about my day.

Hahas I actually think that the day turned out better then I expected. Did much better in training tonight, in comparision to the match on tuesday, and the knee was prety docile, so I'm a happy camper.

I mean, I can't say that spending valentine's stag didn't pinch, cos it always does. But it isn't like what it used to be. Hahas I swear every valentine's stag before this was like an extended period of pms - pre, post and present all at once. I would spent the week before and after valentine's in a deep funk, thinking about a million different things, none of which were very flattering.

But I'm past that now! YAY!

Okay, I'm damn hungry, going to eat and maybe going to bed after that.
Nights, world.

2008-02-10T20:43:00.000+08:00

Oh my gawd I'm so tired.

CNY was supposed to be a few days of rest and relaxation so that I could get my act together and maybe stop skipping school so much but I guess not. Hahas. Instead, the past few days were spent shuttling from one place to another.

First off was reunion dinner with the gang and laura's birthday party on friday, then grapevine last night with the cousin, her boyfriend and drew and finally the match, veron's house and pool today.

Reunion dinner with the gang was way too short. I left my house late and I had to be at boat quay by 9.30 so I was feeling pretty bad when I realised I completely forgot that I was supposed to bring apple crumble for desert, which made me feel worse. But it was good to see everyone again, though I only hung around long enough to Lo Hei with them. By the time I left, I was running late so I took a cab down to boat quay from yishun and it cost a frigging 16bucks plus. ARGH I SO need a driving license! Anyway, we spent a little time at hideout with laura and then the 3 of us (cindy, her boyfriend and I) ended up at club home. The place was pretty funky, but I left early and cabfare home cost another 15bucks on top of the 15bucks cover charge. And the very best part was that I didn't have anything much to eat the whole night except for 2 glasses of vodka and coke, a handful of chips, 2 chicken wings and a little bit of the yusheng so I was super hungry by the time I got home around 1plus. Devoured most of the new year goodies left at home while watching some chick flick on cable and I only got to bed around 4.

So that was friday.

And then on saturday, I was startled awake at 9 (@!#^&$%#!#!!!) by dad who cooked porridge and insisted that my whole family wake up and have breakfast together. Usually, I won't mind but I was still shagged from friday night so that put me in a slightly foul mood for the rest of the day.
BUT grapevine last night was awesome fun lar, bryan and marc were supposed to join us but one went home to sleep and the other had guard duty. Nonetheless, the atmosphere was nice, the food was decent and the company was great so we all had a good time. Pity the cousin's going back to brisbane next saturday though, if not we'll definitely do it again some other time.

Anyway, I got home at around 1, slept at 2plus and I had to wake up at 730 for the match this morning. Didn't really feel up to it when the alarm went off in the morning but I realised that I needed the match practice so I forced myself out of the bed. Good thing I went though, since we only had 9 people in beginning so it was 9 vs 11 for first 45 mins. Oh gawd that was fucking tiring especially since I was playing opp this speedy indian guy built like a truck and they were probably one of the best teams we've play against. But we did alright lar, for a chapalang team of our standard, and we were only down 2-0 at the end of the first half. Things got much better in the 2nd half, cos 2 more players arrived and we fell into a comfortable rhythm. Made a couple of chances, scored 2 goals and generally played some of the best football I've seen from us so far. Defended well in set pieces and open play, but pushing up to chase the lead meant that we were left open on fastbreaks and they managed to score a couple of soft goals. Final score was 5-2 I think, but I thought we did pretty well. Granted it wasn't our usual group of players, but we still fought fucking hard.

Playing against them was a lesson in humility mann and I've realised that I really ought to be training harder. I guess I used to be pretty fast, but today I was chasing shadows most of the time. Positioning wasn't fantastic either, and I got caught out a few times by their quick first turn, leaving me red faced and flat footed. Thank goodness I wasn't the direct cause of any goals, or else I'll be damn sad. I shall work harder to improve!

Hahas then I went home, had a quick shower and lunch and went over to veron's place to bai nian. They were all gambling and I was damn tired and sore so I just sat in the corner by myself until eunice came over to talk to me. Then they started playing majong and kent was attempting to teach me how to play but I didn't really get it. I think I must be damn lousy. Hahas.

And then I went to play pool. But by then I was damn dazed already so I couldn't concentrate. Hence, my play was quite fucked up. It was damn funny though, there was this time I pocketed a ball (so it was still my turn) and then I just stood there waiting for my friend to play and I was getting damn annoyed with him 'cos he just stood there staring at me until I realised that I was supposed to continue playing! HAHAHAHAHAHAS.

Yeah, so that's CNY for you. LOL. Ok I realised that I'm ranting but I'm so stoned and I have a lab report to start/finish so I don't care.

Bye bye!

Edit: I'm very depressed now because Manchester United is losing at old trafford to Manchester City which counts as the ultimate humilation and I haven't started on my lab report. Hahas. Ok just kidding, I'm too stoned to be sad. Hence, I'm skipping tmr's morning lecture again. And there's a test in 2 weeks, so wish me luck! Hur. Speaking of which, I need to learn how to be satisfied with 6-7 hours of sleep a day instead of 10 hours because that means I lose 4 hours a day!

Ok I'm going to shut up now. This post is way too long.

2008-02-08T10:14:00.000+08:00

I'm living my life with meaning, except the meaning ain't so clear.

Argh, really can't be bother with this, because I don't know what to say except that I'm getting sick of this shit.

Happy Frigging new year to me.

I'm going to sleep now, and hope I feel better soon.

2008-01-25T22:51:00.000+08:00

2008-01-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

Hahas I was looking thru the pictures that a bunch of us took last night and realised that I'm always doing stupid things on camera that comes back to haunt me! The pictures are HOW EMBARASSING can.

LOL.
Oh and I definitely need to get a haircut soon.

Anyway, the coming weeks are set to be busy busy, between the inter-university football competition in February and the newly formed NTU-NIE capoeira society, as well as a pretty interesting job offer from Voiceworks Pte Ltd.

It's all really exciting, but it'll probably mean that I'll get to spend less time with my friends - that sucks. I've always been so caught up with school and trainings and camps that I'm not there most of the time, but I'm really touched by all the invitations to have dinner, catch a movie or just to hang out and I promise I'll try my best to remember the special occasions and make time to catch up with everyone.

Speaking of which, I'M SO SORRY I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY GERRY! I'll make it up to you! Oh gosh, I felt so guilty when I realised that I forgot about her birthday. Part of me was too embarassed to want to admit it, but I did manage to ring her up about 4 days later and beg for forgiveness.

And being the sweetest girl that she is, she not only forgave me but managed to snag me a really interesting job offer. I was in the middle of a very noisy canteen when I recieved the phone call, but what little of the conversation I could catch in between using the ATM machine and queuing for yogurt sounds great. I'll know more next week, but I hope it's as good as it sounds.

BAAAA.
There's a million and one things to be done over the weekend starting with the Standard First Aid practical and theory test tomorrow and 2 lab reports due on Monday so I guess I better get a good night's sleep.

But... Congrats to PUI - SDE BASH QUEEN 2008. HAHAHAHAS.

Now in our midst, we have a pageant queen and a new face.
WHO NEXT!

LOL.

Oh yeeaaah, if you're from NTU or you've nothing better to do, come down and support the NTU women's soccer team! :D

12 Feb NTU vs SMU
19 Feb NTU vs SIM
21 Feb NTU vs NUS
All matches start at 6pm. Venue: NTU Sports and Recreation Centre.

And if you're curious, need to exercise or you just want to learn something new, do look out for the NTU-NIE Capoeira posters that we'll be putting up soon all around. In the meantime, visit our blog (http://capoeira-nie-ntu.blogspot.com) or the Association of Capoeira Argola de Ouro (http://www.adcolife.com).

Details are as follows:
Training Dates: Every Tuesday and Thursday
Time: 1930-2100
Venue: To be confirmed (Actually, confirmed already but I don't know where. Definitely at NIE though.)
Price: $90 for one set of abadas (1 time payment for 1 set of uniform), and $80 per month (8 sessions).

If you're my friend and you want to know more, just give me a ring or drop me a text. If not, then I guess you'll figure something out. HAHAHAS.

Too shagged, so I'm off to bed.

Nights WORLD.

2008-01-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

I have a dream, and now my dream has a name - JD.

2008-01-16T10:08:00.000+08:00

It keeps on coming.

How do you stand strong in your decisions knowing that it's going to tear your family up and leave it in pieces?

I've thought about this since I was a child, watching them fight and scream and throw things at each other. But I never imagined that it would turn out this way. Despite him not being there for a large part of my life, despite him and all his fuckups, I can't imagine him not being here at the end of saturday nights yelling at me to wash the dishes. They both had their flaws, but they did the best they could. They gave us everything we needed, and wanted most of the time. He stayed up late to wait for me when I was out, pretending to watch telly, and made medicine when I lost my voice. He indulge in my whims and fancies when she didn't. She, well, she did everything else.

Maybe I don't know what a happy family really is. But sometimes, even when I know we're pretending, I lose myself and believe, for an instance, that a happy family looks just like us.

You see. I'm not like my sister. I don't blame him for what's happened and for what's happening. I know what he did, I know what he does and I know he's trying to be responsible for his mistakes. That's why they always say that I'm his daughter, while she's her daughter.

But I know that when it's all said and done, things will never be the same. Because she doesn't have the courage to stand up to him, and because I have to. Because as much as I love him, I can't watch him do this to us. Because I could have. Because I should have. Because I didn't.

How do you walk away from someone you love?

2008-01-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

I can't remember the last time I made my dreams come true.

2008-01-06T19:05:00.000+08:00

What a way to start the new year.

2008 didn't have the greatest of beginnings, but hopefully this isn't a reflection of what's to come. Came home yesterday afternoon from camp to a nasty bout of flu fever sore throat and cough, and spent the rest of the day, as well as the most of today in my bed. Don't really feel like going to school tomorrow, but that doesn't seem like the best way to start out the new semester.

Trying to get well enough for Katong Convent on the 9th and 10th, but we'll see.

Resolutions for 2008's not unlike those I've made last year, as well as every other year, but maybe it's time for me to act on them. I'll be a happy girl if my family stays healthly, my friends stay happy and if I finally learn to be consistent in my studying.

Pray for her.

2007-12-30T20:45:00.000+08:00

Home's been on repeat the last couple of days.

It's perhaps the most apt of songs to describe what I'm feeling right about now - a little nostalgic, a bit confused and pretty damn messed up. Maybe it's the lousy weather, or just that time of the year, but seems like everyone's feeling a litle bit blue.

"Do you know what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home?" - The Pact by Jodic Picoult.

As a matter of fact, I do. Or rather, I did. I don't really know if I believe in one true love, but I know I did loved this person so. There ain't much more to say, 'cos it's not my intention to dig up the past but it's suffice to say that once upon a time, this person was my whole world. The only person on my mind, all the time.

And when it was all over, my world came crashing down. It hurt so bad. I had spent so much time planning for the future and dreaming of forever that I didn't know what to do now that this person, the better half of me, was gone. I was lost, surrounded by people that reminded me of this person, things that smelled like this person and places where we'd spent so much of our time together. I went from anger to jealously to misery to apathy and back all over again, over and over again. I blamed myself, the world, the person, God, and everyone under the sun. I made promises to myself that I couldn't keep, got so so mad at myself for being weak and overdependent, and did everything I possibly could, good or bad, to keep this person around me.

And I know this is happening now to people who I love and care about.

I know how it feels like to hurt so bad inside you can't breathe, when all the anger and sorrow within manifests itself into a tangible aching in your chest. To wake up in the morning and get through the day on auto-pilot, just going through the motions and doing what's expected of you just to get people to stop tiptoeing around you - because pretending like it never happened just kills you inside. I know what it's like to pick up the phone and yearn so badly to msg them, yet stop short with your bruised pride and sore ego in the way, filling up the whole damn sky. I know what it's like to cry at the drop of a hat, when waves of emotions overcome you and your eyes fill up with tears. I know what it's like to feel like when you're filled with despair and a fierce conviction that the best has already passed you by, a conclusion that makes your heart sink and leaves you wondering if you'll ever love again.

But while I don't know if it's possible to love someone again, the way I loved this person so, I do know that the passage of time dulls the pain. Oh you'll still feel it, for sure, like the ache of a phantom limb, on valentine's day or while watching a sappy romantic comedy on cable, but there will come a day when you lay in bed at night and realise with a startle that it's been a while since you've thought about him/her. Maybe you'll be pleasant suprised one day, like I was, when you think about the past and you'll be able to smile, abeit sadly, at the happy memories instead of feeling an overwhelming sadness.

That day will come, maybe not now, nor in the near future, but the human mind is truly remarkable. It's been a few years now, and though it was rough at times, I'm still here. So don't worry my friends, you'll be fine.

2007-12-30T18:05:00.000+08:00

I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.

Okay I'm quite sick of 2007, 2008 please come quickly. HAHA.
To be honest, this hasn't been the best of years but at least it's almost over. :D

I remember making so many plans for college - it was going to be my one big chance to get my life into order and make something out of myself. But by the end of the first semester, I was all ready to quit school and/or kill myself. I guess I just never expected everyone to be so competitive, almost to the point of obsession.

Thank goodness for people like sam, michelle, huimin and gen for patiently answering my endless questions during all hours of the exam period, without whom I would have never survived my first semester, much less with fairly respectable grades, as well as everyone who made college life that much crazier and fun - like all my soccer teammates, <3.

I suppose 2007 was my rite of passage.

Being a camp instructor, and dealing with the family taught me how to place others above myself, how to treasure the people and all the things I have around me. Yes, having to grow up in a hurry was definitely a challenge, but it was made that little bit easier with all the help and opportunies that were afforded to me by experienced instructors and CICs like mojo, constance, eunice, azri, phillay, veron, jody, jeremy, andrew, ridhwan, kok choy, kent, peiyun, tim tang, tim loh, nicholas, jeremy lee, huimin, shu xuan, yan hao, yanna, not forgetting the people at seal sports of course, like ziwan, glenn, huihua, shai, hendrick, farmy, tiger wan, melvin, eddie, niven and countless others who were always looking after me, teaching me the little tricks of the trade, cheering me up, believing in me and giving me chances to shine.

(I never really intended for this to become a thankyou post, but I guess sometimes my writings take a life of their own.)

And you know, in spite of all the lousy pay, hard work and demanding campers, going for camps were never a chore with people like jaslyn, pui, sam, alvin, small andrew, arvin, zhou xiu, vaneh, cyrena, kaixiang, marc, keynes, udrena, moon, shalon, andre, andy, bradon, cher li, francis, greg, ruilong, yijia, tan xinyi, lee xinyi, libing, sylvia, reina, small veron, sophia, soon hock, wei jin, yangyan and elizabeth around me. We all came into camp ha around the same time, a bunch of fresh faced first timers. Initially, we were tentative, but we soon rallied around each other. We supported each other when we made mistakes, we learnt and we grew together. And through it all, we had a hell of a time. Though some have left, those months together will always be amongst the best times of my life.

Also to the bestest friends a girl could ever have - limin, jeff, su, dasen, oli, james, jeanette, pui fen, fly, karin, lynn, liting, ah boy, tiff, gerry, langer, jocelyn, rachel, jasmine and joyce. Though we rarely meet up now, but the knowledge that you guys will always be there for me is enough to drag me through my darkest times. I know that I'll never be lack of anything if I could just have you guys around me all the time.

Then there are some like eunice, seth, euan, baoyun, and laura. Though we rarely talk, but you guys are definitely not forgotten. And of course, regrets we have a few - those like michelle and siew, people with whom I wish that things could be better between us.

Anyway, I guess that's that.

2007-12-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

My mum has been telling me to stop taking cabs everywhere for the longest time ever, but it never made for a convincing case until the increase in taxi fares kicked in last night.

Trust me, and take your advice from a cab addict - the increase is fucked up.

$3 city surcharge from 5pm-12pm.
$0.30 increase in pickup fare from $2.50 to $2.80.
and worst of all,
$0.20 increase in distance fares.

So let's think about it.
If you call a cab in town during peak hours, that's $3.50 + $3.00 + $2.80 + $1.00 = $10.30 even before the damn taxi starts to move. That's in comparison to the previous rates of $4.00 + $2.50 + $1.00 = $7.50, making it a $(10.30-7.50)/7.50 X 100 = 37.3333..% increase.

Now, we all know that taxis are a luxury good, with a fairly elastic price elasticity. In this instance, that means that people will forgo taking taxis in favour of taking public transport - maybe the lucky few with licenses will even consider driving. What it also means is that a more than proportional increase in price will lead to a even larger decrease in quantity demanded. Now, I'm no economics major but I'm guessing that results in decreased income for cab drivers.

Increase in cab fares to offset increase in diesel prices? I don't think so.

Increase in cab fares to match increasing standards of living?
Well, that's debatable. I don't know about you, but I personally don't think that our economy is in the pink of health - at least not judging by the stagnant income levels. As far as I know, only the government sector (as usual) is considering a pay rise of 4% in 2008 (In camp instructor terms, that's about $8) and EVEN IF the standard of living is rising, we must keep in mind the fact that Singapore is not a welfare state. What that means is that the cost of healthcare, as well as other necessary living expenses are constantly increasing as well - often more than proportional to the increase in standard of living, i.e. increase in income - none of which is subsidized (to any significant impact) by the government.

So... what increasing standards of living?

And last but not least, an increase in cab fares to match taxi fares in other cities.
Let's see, 1 pound = about S$3.
1 USD = S$1.50.
1 Euro = S$2.10.
Yeah they pay more for their cab fares, but hell they earn a shitload more too.

Doubts?
In the states,
Federal minimum wage law = USD$5.85.
Highest minimum wage law = USD$7.93 in Washington (increasing to USD$8.07 in Jan 2008)

In Britain,
£5.52 per hour for 22-year-olds and above
£4.60 per hour for 18-to-21-year-olds
£3.40 per hour for under-18s who have finished compulsory education.

It may not be a whole lot more, but compare it to S$60/day from 8am-12pm, or S$2.80/hr for Macdonalds employee in branches outside of town.

There may be some profound underlying reasons for rising the taxi fares, but I'm not buying it. Think about it. I don't know about you all, but I'm going cold turkey.

And before I leave, may I suggest a new tagline for the new year?
Singapore - a nation of walkers.

2007-12-05T07:46:00.000+08:00

No baby, it's not just about me.
Then again, it's never all about you either.

2007-12-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

HELL YEAH FINALLY.

But like I've said, everytime I get so excited about the holidays, it pretty much turns out to be an anti-climax.

I hate it when things turn out this way.

Bummer.

Fuckit.

2007-11-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

This is just my cross to bear.

It's 12.07am in the morning, and it couldn't be more painfully obvious that any form of motivation/need for penance that has been driving me for the past 2 weeks of exams is long gone. There's only one more paper to go, but being this close to the holidays is really excruciating. You all know how it goes, the forbidden fruit syndrome.

But anyway, I've been thinking. For a little while, I stopped thinking about love and being single. I guess in the midst of matters life and death it's hard to focus on something as insignificant as love. Insignificant, only in comparison to the former of course. But somehow, after all that has happening in the past year, being single just doesn't bother me as much. It's not that I don't care about finding love, but I would very much rather have my family see me through the highlights of my life - at least for now. I think that we take for granted that our parents, our family will be there forever, holding our hands and guiding us through life, all of it from our first days at school thru puppy love and heartbreaks to marriage and family, sickness and death. And we miss the little signs of old age - the wrinkles on their faces, the lapses in memory until something happens.

And then it may all be too late.
I don't know.

I don't like all the responsibility of being the eldest kid in the family - it's a bitch when you're 19 and feeling a hundred and two. But I'll gladly do this, for now and for the rest of my life, if things would go back the way they were.

Bummer.

Most of you'll won't be able to make heads or tails of whatever's been said. Well, don't try too hard.

2007-11-21T12:00:00.000+08:00

Everytime I get so excited about the upcoming holidays, they pretty much turn out to be a letdown. But I don't care, at least bumming around the house with nothing to do is better than bumming around the house with your next paper only a couple of days away.

Speaking of which, there's only 2 more papers to go! Kind of worried for 102, but we can only try.

Oh well.

"To whom much is given, much is expected."

2007-11-15T15:51:00.000+08:00

a soul for a good grade.

I know that I'm not the most hardworking person around, and by golly, I knew that I should have started studying ages ago. To be honest, there's no doubt that I do deserve whatever lousy grades I end up with this semester and I wish that I had more confidence and courage to face the truth and accept the consquences.

Morals vs Practicality.
It was the hardest choice I have had to make in a really long while - kind of like asking someone to choose between a rock and a hard place. And I know that people will judge, but I just wish they knew that it wasn't easy to make the decision. Sometimes, I wished that I had started out school differently, instead of building myself up to be someone that I'm not - well, at least not all the time. But now, I think that it's awfully difficult for people in school to take me seriously, to really see me just like they see everyone else - someone who's trying their best to live with the bad choices they've made.

You know what. I'm really slack compared to everyone else in my course who's sloggging their arses off for a good grade, and I know it seems otherwise, but I really do care about doing well in school. It's just that it's so damn tiresome to work for something that you derive no pleasure from - like there's no end to this longass lousy day. I know it's no excuse, and seriously I really just have no self-discipline but what's done is done, and at the end of the day, I'm just paying for a whole series of bad choices I've made since the day I stopped working for law school and 3As.

Damn.

Will you believe me when I say that last night was the worst I've felt in a really really long time? I sat in the living room, trying so damn fucking hard to memorise the mechanisms and reactions and it all just felt so hopeless. I went through panic, I went through despair and I went through acceptance - again, and again and again. It killed me. You see. I'm not short on confidence, and I know that I've been pretty lucky in whatever I do - I may not be the best, but I'm sure as hell not the worst. But last night made me feel like such a failure.

Sigh.

Will you believe me when I say that I've never done it before and I never want to do it again? I'm not proud of it, and I know if I were someone else I'll get mad at me too but at least I didn't cheat. At the end of the day, it probably won't even matter in the grand scheme of things. But at least for today, it made me feel really really bad about myself.

I know that I'll still care about what people think of me, and I'll hate for people to think of me in this manner. But there's a price to pay for every action that you take, and the best I can do is to accept the consquences and look forward.

I can only hope that I'll be stronger when the dust settles.

2007-11-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

You know what. I never expected university to be like this.

First paper's tomorrow, and I've never been more discouraged or demoralised. Mood and mind are both going haywire - swinging between "fuck it" and "I can't give up". It's taking a toll on me, and I swear I'm going crazy. My head's ready to burst and I feel like shit.

And there's still 5 more chapters to go.

You see. I don't know what the hell happened to me. My paper's not till 5 tmr, so I still have some time. Used to be that I would go to bed feeling like I had all the time in the world to complete those 5 chapters. But right now I'm feeling like it's the end of the world - and the paper's only got mcq and short answer questions. And I'm stressing about my organic chem paper the day after. THAT ONE'S SERIOUSLY FUCKED.

DAMN. What the fuck's going on.
I wished I could have my old self back.

2007-11-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

A long time ago, though I'm not exactly sure when, I stopped believing in fairytales.

Having learnt at a young age that what you see with the naked eye isn't necessarily the truth about things, I never really believed in happily ever after. Even so, I have to admit, my childhood wasn't the worst by far - then again, it wasn't the best by a long shot either. But I was pretty contended, as long as I could pretend what was happening wasn't really happening, which is pretty easy when you're a kid. You know how it goes - if you just closed your eyes and wished hard enough, you'll be INVISIBLE.

But you grow up, you start to realise that being invisible isn't quite so easy anymore. Now, when things turn ulgy, you're no longer shuffled off downstairs, away from the scene of the crime. Now, try as you may, you cannot no longer shut out THE TRUTH - horrible and all consuming.

I wonder when I started to stop believing that things will eventually be a-hokay. I wonder when we all started to sit around and wished that the worst wouldn't be as bad as we though it would be, instead of hoping for the best.

Tomorrow - pray for me, pray for us.

2007-10-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

Revelations.

This crazy ass week has really gotten me down into the dumps. I know I shouldn't be rushing out last min lab reports, skipping lectures or going to class without doing my homework but the motivation's gone - whatever little bit of it that was there in the beginning anyway.

I don't know. I was in town tonight, but everything felt like such a chore. Making conversation and deciding where to eat, walking around town, even shopping. I know I wasn't exactly good company, but I really didn't feel like trying. I thought maybe calling some people out would do me some good, but in the end I just wanted to go home. You know how it is, days when nothing felt right, even when it seemed to be gettting along just fine.

But I wonder when life became this aimless - days and days on autopilot, just going through the motions. All just a monotonous routine of school, training and orchard road. There's just no more fun.

WHY? ):

And the funniest thing is, I don't even feel depressed about it. Just very bored, and vaguely curious. Hur.

2007-09-04T10:03:00.000+08:00

I miss capoeira.

I would say that I never should have left, but then again, I would just be lying to myself. Juggling everything would have been impossible, even though I'll admit I would have wanted to leave in a different way, a better way than leaving after class one day and never going back.

Returning to capoeira has never been far off from my mind, but somehow I've never gotten around to it. First it was school, then it was work - there was always an excuse to procrascinate. Now, there's really no more reason but yet...

I suppose the truth is that I'm afraid of going back, of the reception that I'll recieve.

Damnit. =/

2007-09-03T20:39:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to be doing my tutorials, but I allowed myself to be carried away by all the random thoughts in my head.

I wonder when I'll be able to sit down and ever talk about it in a sensible and mature way, without bitterness or that terrible aching in my heart.
Probably never, I suppose.
'Tis was a shock the other night when I realised exactly how small the world was. People who knew people who knew others who knew me. I don't know if I should have admitted what I did, or if I should have just kept my mouth shut - but you know what they say, it's no use crying over spilled milk. The subsequent conversation, though awfully short and seemingly meaningless, brought back the memories that I had been so determined to exorcise - all stuffed into the deepest recesses of my mind.

Funny how something that happened so long ago - something that was doomed to fail from the get go - could have such an impact on me. How a rather insignificant event in the grand scheme of things could have left such a indelible mark - as surely as if someone had taken a hot poker to me.

But then again, insignificant as it may have seemed to others, it's hard to deny that once upon a time - it was my life, my whole world - a lifetime ago.

I've no idea what it is exactly that I'm trying to say. But I'm not suprised, since you've always left me at a loss for words - why should anything change just because you're no longer here?

2007-08-30T15:47:00.000+08:00

In lecture now, but I'm not really paying attention to what the professor is talking about since he's going on and on like a machine gun. Thank goodness I took biology as an A level subject! At least I've a vague idea of what he's talking about...

Ok, a very vague idea.

Anyway you know what. I haven't been reading the papers regularly since school ended, but I've been hearing a lot about all the bad stuffs going on recently. Antonio Puerta, the army captain, the two indonesian kids who crashed and burnt at 6th avenue (I know there's more but my brains' not working right) and I can't help wondering if it's just me being paranoid and supersitious or it's really 'cos it's the 7th month now! So my mum's pretty cool about loads of stuffs (like me getting a tattoo and all) but she's suprisingly strict about me hanging out late this month, going swimming, yadda yadda yadda - all the things people say you shouldn't be doing during the hungry ghost festival. It annoys me a little, but I suppose it's better to be safe than sorry.

Hahahas. Ok I know that was really random but it kind of popped into my head during lecture, or rather when I was watching this youtube video of the Puerta's last match during lecture. It's been almost a month since school started, and I wished I could be more hardworking, but it's really hard when you've no clue what the lecturers are talking about. Most of the modules are alright (though I really need to start attending the economics lectures), but biophysical chemistry's a bitch. Funny how I've been running away from physics all my life only to end up taking thermodynamics and quantam physics in university! HAHAHAS. so here's to all aspiring bioscientists our there: there's more physics and chemistry in bioscience than there is biology, at least in my course so far so do take heed if you've an intense distaste of mathematics or physics like me.

Gaa.
Ok I better go and pretend to pay attention, lecture's going to end anyway. Oh, he's done!

2007-08-26T12:07:00.000+08:00

I've realised that I'm really too lazy to give tution, but I feel guilty about leaving my tution kid in the lurch. But at least there's icecream after that!

Anyways, friday was ridhwan's last camp. Though I couldn't stay for very long, but it was good seeing the ol' gang again, minus a few people here and there. I suppose the very best part of the entire evening was the journey there - driving along jalan bahar, singing our lungs out, with the wind blowing into our faces and the 2 drivers trying their best to confuse each other. Hahas! I don't know, somehow the thought of campfires and all the people there, new and old, really cheered me up after everything that's been happening in the past few weeks.

I never thought that by being in a different place, I would be missing out. And the worst part was, even though I really didn't want to feel that way, it stung. Just for a little teeny wheeny bit. And that made me feel bad. ):

But I suppose not everything turns out the way we want them to.

Oh but yesterday was SuniG!
First time playing for NTU, I never expected the team to get so far. But with a little help from lady luck, and a whole lot of hardwork from the team, we managed to get through to the finals - where we met the NTU seniors team and got schooled 4-0. Hahas! But it was great anywayhow. :D

So today was a little bit of sunburn and a whole lot of aching. Hmms, as far as you can tell, the past week hasn't been very exciting, and school's been mostly boring, seeing as to how we haven't exactly been the most hardworking people around. Hopefully, we'll skip less lectures and get a bit more into the groove of things as the weeks go by!

But I'm off, to get a hot shower and ready for tution later. I'll be back when something exciting happens. :D

2007-08-16T10:13:00.000+08:00

OMFG.

I swear I've returned every bit of chem back.
Sorry, mr tbp. =/

2007-08-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

1916; Stolen Moments.
And so we pray for a better tomorrow.

This is for all those who love the beautiful game.

"I love soccer. Call it football, futbol, calcio, voetbol, soccer, balonpie, whatever, I love this game.

Why?

A 90 minute soccer game is as close to truth as one can get on this earth.

The game unfolds slowly, as we learn what we are up against. But the action can take place in a breathless rush where art, science, physics and magic all collide in a wonderous spectacle. The game is maddeningly simple, kick the ball back and forth. But like the best music or the richest art, the simplicity combines into infinite complexity. No two games are ever exactly alike.

Every player has a role, but the role merely serves as a starting point. Forwards clear balls of their goal line, defenders, even keepers, score goals, wing players move into the middle, central players move outside. And it all unfolds on the fly. Teams may make plans, but they quickly need adjustment to meet changing circumstances. The players are all equal in responsibility and bring different strengths and weaknesses to the game, without limitations on their role.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna tells Arjuna that is his obligation is to fight, heedless of the potential reward. "You have a right to the labor," Krisha says, "but not to the outcome." Is there a game that empitomizes that philosophy more than soccer? How many times have we seen brilliant combination play to lead to that sterling chance on goal, only to be denied?

The game offers only a few chances, which must be siezed. Carpe diem, as the saying goes, because you never know when or even if another chance may present itself.

Finally, the game has an allotted time span, but no one, save the referee, knows exactly when time is up. It is up to each player to do their utmost in the time they are given. This control of time, is why the referee is God.

So why do I love this game? Because this game is life itself. We play as we live."

- Courtesy of blogger "Sachin".

2007-08-11T19:57:00.000+08:00

Replies!
(umm. better late than never. -embarassed look.)

joanne: Hey! yeah I remember you, sengkang sec right? :D Hahas, sorry I've been kind of busy lately so I haven't had much time to blog. But I'm good, and I hope you're good too!

jae: Hahas yeah, ice cream monday!

shining: You're linked. :D and thank you for helping me to buy my labcoat!

fly: GF! I miss you too. We MUST meet up soon ok? Text me!!

nis and cons: my super random friends! I lub you deep deep! HAHAHAHAS.

moon and udrena: hello hello, I haven't seen you guys in a million years. We definitely have to meet up soon. (:

Edit: I LOVE my new template. :D

2007-08-11T12:01:00.000+08:00

And all I need is you, and you, and you.

I've been feeling pretty negative lately, so the past few days have really did me a world of good. :D

Hanging around those who're of utmost importance to me have made me realised that it doesn't matter who's not here anymore, as long as I've these people around me.
With them, I don't have to hold back and pretend to be someone that I'm not.
With them, I always have a blast, even if we're not doing anything.

But most importantly,
with them, I'll never feel alone.

But I still miss the presence of so many. My best friend, my hockey girls, my debate loves and the cha instructors. If only we had 48 hours in a day, and unlimited amount of moolah, I'll build a house and surround myself with all these wonderful creatures! And I know I'll be happy, as sure as the sky is blue and the grass is green.

'tis a pity then, that school's up, and everyone's going our own ways. As much as the prospect of university sounds exciting, all that's happened so far hasn't really been that fantastic. 2 lectures - 4 hours of sleep-induced hyponosis, and far too little eyecandies. And it's weird not knowing anyone, just another nobody wandering through the massess, trying and failing not to look lost and bewildered by the very scale of things. Thank god for my trusty ipod really, at least with my headphones stuck to my ears, I can still pretend to be nonchalent. Well, I hope things will get better once we get into the flow of things, cos it's darn hard to sit around and gape for too long. Besides, it's really uncool HUR HUR. But at least school gives me an excuse to shop for new clothes!

Speaking of which, I'm pleased to find out that I can still fit into kids' clothes. :D That means double the style at half the price!

CHEAP THRILLS.

2007-08-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

Drinks, smokes and a bacon sandwich.

And so life thus far has been nice. Expensive, but nice.

Take today, for example. I woke up at 9.20, with the intention of heading down to school to get my labcoat and locker. Instead, I fell asleep after breakfast and woke up at 3.20, just in time to shower and head out. Caught disturbia, had dinner and went shopping.

Before disturbia, I caught rush hour 3 and went shopping.
Before rush hour 3, I had drinks at loof.
Before drinks at loof, I went shopping with my mummy.

So you see, I really need a sugarmummy. :D

But anyway, school has started so I suppose I better knuckle down and get serious. Even though it's only been a week and 2 lectures, you can tell it's going to be a whole different ballgame.

Bummer.

Edit: I suddenly realise that the past few entries have been really shallow, but I'm shagged and I want to get to bed. I promise I'll write something more coherent soon! Replies too! (:

2007-07-17T21:53:00.000+08:00

Today, I feel like crap. My nose is stuffed, my neck is sore and my throat hurts like a bitch. Not to mention the fact that breathing, an otherwise insignificant and extremely ordinary event, is proving to be quite a challenge for my mucus-choked lungs. So, as you can probably already tell, the past few days haven’t exactly been very pleasant. Not for me, at least.

But it’s so much more than that.

Because you see, if misery loves company, then it must be the annual “Let’s all get together and be utterly miserable” period of time. You know, that period of time when Murphy’s Law seems less like a law and more like a 7-11 – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.25 days a year.

It’s that period of time when your dad evolves from your every-trusty failsafe into an all-round bastard.

That period of time when your friends have seemingly mastered the act of disappearing into thin air - all at once.

That period of time when it’s not enough to look stupid, you have to sound stupid too.

Yes, it’s been that period of time.
Bummer.

2007-07-08T20:16:00.000+08:00

And it's really fucked up to feel this way - like your world coming apart at the seams.

People whom I used to be close to now practically feel like strangers, no matter whether they're instructors from CHA, jc or secondary school friends. Everyone, especially me, has been so damn caught up in their lives that even the occasional phonecall becomes a 5 minute conversation with a whole lot of awkward silences and a newfound solemnity. And soon we stop trying, believing that our fragile friendships can do without all the negativity. Perhaps it's true, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

And work has been so tiring, it's amazing I'm still going on week aft week aft week. There's still a measure of satisfaction from my work, of course, but somehow all the problems that's been arising is really discouraging. Whereas once upon a time I had many many good friends working with me, I now often find myself in camps where I hardly know anyone. It's not a bad thing, but it's often very depressing when you've encountered a setback and there's no one around for you to talk to. Camps are such an isolated world and your responsibilities to your campers means that we have to constantly be happy, or at least suck it up and pretend to be happy, no matter how we really feel. And it drains you, just sucks the energy right out of you. Perhaps it's time that I took a break before I die.

But hey, what's the difference. I'm dying anyway.
(PS. I realise that my entry probably doesn't make sense, but I don't really care)

2007-07-08T18:19:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wished that things weren't quite so difficult?

It's been a helluva ride, but yet at the end of the day, everything's back to square one. I'm still gonna be a ntu biological science student, and I'm still always going to be wondering what I've missed out. I know that I never actually wanted to be a combat engineer, but that doesn't make me feel any better. This knowledge that I would have been miserable as a combat engineer is a small small consolation, because human nature is such that we often seek instant gratification, fuck all consquences. All that matters is the fact that I'm here bummming away 'till uni starts while everyone else is getting ready for tekong on the 13th of July.

It stinks.

And what makes things worse is watching others live out your dreams - especially people close to you. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I see OCTs everywhere I go, and the training video that was screened today really stung. Being in OCS today was a bitch, and everywhere I went just made my head swim and my heart ache with an awful longing to belong there. I don't suppose many people can understand what I'm trying to say, but hell - I just had to let it out.

So as you can probably already tell, the last few weeks hasn't been all that great. I wish I could look upon things the way you look through the lens of a camera - because somehow looking through the lens allows for a certain detachment from all the negative feelings that threatens to suffocate.

But things aren't never quite so simple.

2007-06-09T11:55:00.000+08:00

Maybe the reason that I'm sick of thinking is because things were never meant to be pondered over in this matter - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Since the army is supposed to be my last great adventure before I resign myself to reality, I shall just leave things in His hands. Do the best I can to prepare myself for the upcoming interviews and napfa. At least that way, if I fail, I'll know that things weren't meant to be.

Replies when I'm back from ITE Yishun tmr ok! (:

2007-06-08T02:19:00.000+08:00

I considered putting this off until tomorrow, but I was afraid that I won't be able to remember whatever I wanted to say and it'll come out sounding all wrong.

All my life, I've wondered what it feels like to really work hard for something - to want something so badly that it makes your heart ache. To fight tooth and nail and move mountains in order to achieve something that you've never done before, something that brings tears of happiness into your eyes and makes your heart swell up with pride. I've never had that before, you know. Which is rather depressing because you'll never know what you could have been capable of. I'll never know if I could have been a great lawyer, or if I would have liked SMU as much as I thought I would. There's no doubt that there are worse things in life, and I can't deny that I've always had things pretty easy. But I also can't deny is the fact that I find excuses and fabricate reasons to accept being second best, to make it sound good, and to make myself feel better. I suppose we all do that, I mean if we didn't, we'll drive ourselves crazy thinking about What I Could Have Been. But I don't think it makes it right, do you? I don't think it's right to always accept being second best, but maybe that's me.

So the army, to me, is the ultimate challenge, a time-honoured rite of passage and to become an officer would be to achieve something that I've never done before. To me, BMT and OCS would be a challenge unlike anythig else I've faced. A challenge that I wouldn't be able to run away from - no matter how much I want to - once I've put pen to paper. I know it sounds sadistic, but it feels right in some weird nonsensical way. You know, back a man into a corner and he may be capable of things that he never thought possible.

But it's more than that. Somewhere inside of me, there's a romantic that embraces and adores the idea of "for honour and glory" and all that the army stands for. Growing up, I never thought heros were cartoons that dressed up in tight costumes and had fancy gadgets. To me, the real heros were the ones I saw on television every National Day, the ones that marched past the camera with perfect precision, their uniforms crisply starched and a beret placed stylishly on their head. I thought they were invincible, those men in green, and to a certain extent, I still do.

Then again, it's not always just a matter of fufilling childhood dreams. Things are never quite that simple, are they? It's about employability, and relevance. It's about what you plan to do for the rest of your life, about what is best for you at the end of the day, about a million other things.

I wished I didn't have to grow up.
Then maybe things wouldn't be so complicated.

2007-06-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

1. Whose picture is it that you keep in
your wallet?
:: My PJ Hockey Team.

2. What time do you usually go to bed?
:: Depends. Early Morning when I'm in camp, Early night when I'm not.

3. What was the last thing you did
before filling this survey?
:: Fill more surveys (OK I'm REALLY bored.)

4. Who are the people you always meet
the most?
:: The HA instructors.

5. Who's the person you're gonna call
if you need help?
:: Hmms. Limin.

6. What's on your mind right now?
:: My arms HURT.

7. Who's number on your speed dials?
:: I don't use speed dial.

8. With whom do you wanna be to have
fun?
:: The One Whom I Haven't Found. HAHA! Like Voldermort!

9. What movie do u wanna watch now?
:: Err I just broke camp. No idea what's showing now.

10. When was the last time you went
out?
:: Today, got interview.

11. Who do you hate the most for now?
:: Now? No idea.

12. When was the first time you slept
alone?
:: From Pri 6 I think, when I stopped sharing a room with my sis.

13. What do you wanna do for now?
:: SLEEP.

14. What do you do everyday besides
eat and sleep?
:: Camps or bum around.

15. What could piss you off?
:: Too many things.

16. Are you an animal lover?
:: Depends.

17. Colors that make you happy?
:: Refer to 16.

18. Most fav thing in your room?
:: My Phone.

19. What was the last thing you bought
for your room?
:: Er. I just moved.

20. Any instruments in your room? what
is it?
:: Nope. Can't play anything decent anyway.

21. Can you cook?
:: I love to cook.

22. Miss someone?
:: Haha. Yes, Limin!

23. Plan to buy something?
:: A LOT of things.

24. Are you satisfied with your life
now?
:: Hmms. -shrugs.

25. Do you like seafood?
:: Not really.

26. Breakfast or dinner?
:: Both.

27. What do you usually eat for
breakfast?
:: Whatever I feel like.

28. Did you eat breakfast today?
:: Yeah, Instant Bowl Mee.

29. Do you recycle?
:: Err. Newspapers, or when I see a recycling bin with a drink in hand.

30. Do u have a laptop?
:: Yes.

31. What is your favourite fastfood?
:: Got to be Mos Burger or BK.

32. Cats or dogs?
`` Dogs.

33. Salty or sweet?
`` Depends, but usually salty.

34. City or country?
`` City.

35. How do you prefer to spend your
holiday?
:: Soccer, Books, Music, and Chilling with friends.

36. Is kissing normal for your age?
:: Yeah I would think so.

37. Are you athletic?
:: I think so.

38. Do you swear?
:: HAHA! Fcuk you.

39. Would you ditch your friends for a
date?
:: I let you know.

40. Do you have your own cell phone?
:: Erm. Yeah.

41.what do you wear to bed?
:: Boxers and a tshirt.

42. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
:: Haha! Just a teeny wheeny one.

43. Coke or pepsi?
:: PEPSI. Coke tastes damn weird nowadays. SERIOUSLY.

44. Sugar or spice?
:: Both.

45. Can you use chopsticks?
:: Err. I would think so. I'm chinese.

46. Do you like to read for pleasure?
:: I love to read.

47. Do you care about getting good
grades?
:: I do, but I'm still lazy as hell.

48.Have u ever fallen sleep in class?
:: Yes, but hardly. It's so uncomfortable to sleep in class, I'd rather daydream.

49. Get a job or ask your parents for
money?
:: Get a job, and give them money.

50. Is your dad strict?
:: Depends on what subject matter.

51. Do your parents give you enough
privacy?
:: Most of the time.

52. Would you trade places (in life)
with your bestfriends?
:: Hmms. No, not really. It would be weird.

53.Does your best friend get on your
nerves?
:: Very very rarely with one, all the time with the other.

54. Do you tell your mom everything?
:: Nope. Some things are better left unsaid.

55. What's the point of couple without
being loved?
:: huh?

2007-06-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

* Have you ever taken a picture of
your eye?
- No, why would I?

* Do you actually have a favorite
flower?
- Yes. Roses. Okay, pretend that I didn't say that.

* Can you change a printer cartridge?
- Yes, when I had a printer.

* Do you have sensitive skin?
- Kind of, it acts up every now and then.

* Do you recognize Justin Timberlake's
songs?
- The more famous ones, yes.

* When did you last have a cookie?
- On sat I think.

* Are you a sarcastic person?
- Yes, very much so if I'm with the right company!

* Do you judge a person by how they
dress?
- Depends, I try not to, but I'll be lying if I said I didn't.

* Do you have a credit card?
- Debit.

* Do you personally know anyone who
has gone bankrupt?
- Yes.

* Do you honestly watch very much TV?
- Not really, cable repeats. And I'm always not at home.

* What do you say to the statement:
LOVE IS SUICIDE?
- Haven't found anything otherwise.

* If you couldn't swim, how would you
save a drowning friend?
- But I can swim.

* Are you comfortable with your looks?
- Comfortable? Most of the time.

* Have you ever had sleep problems
like insomnia?
- Not really, thank goodness.

* Whats a better band name, "Polaris"
or "The Apricots"?
- Polaris for sure.

* Have you ever taken a dance class?
- From my mestre.

* How many different instant
messengers do you have?
- One. I tried Yahoo! once, it kind of sucked.

* Do you ever wish you were the
opposite sex?
- Hmms. No, not really.

* Have you ever actually seen the
ocean?
- What's the difference between an ocean and a sea? But yes, in brisbane.

* Ever been to Hollywood?
- Nah.

* What was the name of the kid that
everyone made fun of in high school?
- Jinger lor. Haha!

* Ever met someone named Tom?
- No, not that I can recall.

* Who's the tallest person you've ever
met?
- They're almost always taller what. TSK!

* Do you smile with your teeth showing?
- Huh.

* Can you make a weapon out of a
measuring tape?
- I suppose so, if I really had to.

* Did you ever have a huge group of
friends at school?
- Well. I don't know. Do I?

* Are your siblings attached?
- Doubt so.

* Are you attached then?
- No.

* Did your grandparents spoil you?
- Not really, but they give fat angbaos.

* Ever made a fake email or online
account just for the fun of it?
- WHAT FOR?!

* How about for some real trouble
making?
- Erm. What defines real trouble making?

* Are you awkward around your latest
crush?
- I didn't know I had one.

2007-06-06T21:33:00.000+08:00

1. Real name: Lian Jing Er

2. Nickname: Zinger, Jing

3. Status: Single

4. Zodiac sign: Aries/Taurus

5. Male or Female: Female

6. Elementary: Nanyang Primary!

7. Highschool: Crescent Girls'

8. College: PJ

10. Hair color: Golden brown, black, brown.

11. Long or short: Short, I suppose.

12. Height: 158-160cm.

16. Are you health freak?: Hell No. I love food.

17. Do you like someone: -shrugs.

18. Do you like yourself: Most of the time.

19. Piercings: 3

20. Tattoos: Not yet.

21. Righty or lefty: Lefty! (:

22. First surgery: 4 stitches on my forehead. No hair there!

23. First piercing: I can't remember.

24. First best friend: Ditto.

25. First award: In K1. I won a storytelling contest, in CHINESE! No shit.

26. First sport you joined : Does Track and Field count? Should be soccer.

27. First pet: Fishes.

28. First vacation: Err. Should be Bali.

29. First concert: Huh? Can't remember. Black Eyed Peas, the first one.

30. First crush : Sec 1 I THINK.

CURRENTLY

49. Eating: Nah.

50. Drinking: Nooooo.

52. I'm about: to sleep.

55. Waiting for: I don't know. Nothing, actually. Oh wait, army?

58. Want kids?: Probably not.

59. Want to get married?: Hmms. Don't think so.

60. Careers in mind?: -shrugs.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

68. Lips or eyes: Both

69. Hugs or kisses: Kisses, but hugs ain't bad either.

70. Shorter or taller: Taller.

72. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic?! Haha!

73. Nice stomach or nice arms: Both.

74. Sensitive or loud: I can't decide.

75. Hook-up or relationship : I would say relationship, but they tend to be heart breakers.

77. Trouble maker or hesitant: Trouble maker.

HAVE YOU EVER

78. Kissed a stranger: How do you define a stranger? Friend's friend?

79. Drank bubbles: HUH?

80. Lost glasses/contact: Yes, while kayaking.

81. Ran away from home: Never!

84. Broken somone's heart: Yes, and I learnt that Karma exists.

85. Been arrested: Of course not.

86. Turned someone down: Yes.

87. Cried when someone died: Thankfully not anyone close.

88. Liked a friend: Hmms. Yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

89. Yourself: It depends on the subject matter.

90. Miracles: I wish to.

91. Love at first sight: Yeah.

92. Heaven: If you don't, what else do you have to believe in?

93. Santa clause: Haha! I'm 19, I only believe in sugar mummies. (:

94. Sex on the first date: LOL. Not Really, no.

95. Kiss on the first date: Hmms. No one ever got AIDS that way, so I suppose yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY---okay!!

97. Is there one person you want to be
with right now?
- Hmms. No one in particular.

98. Had more than one
boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?
- Nope.

99. Do you believe in God?
- Yes.

100. Post as 100 Truths about: Me.

2007-06-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

Pool was great, even though I got owned by Oli 9 times out of 10. Which isn't really suprising considering the fact that I haven't touched a cue stick in 124454654 years and that guy has been playing pool every week.

Speaking of which, today was a pretty lazy day because I didn't do anything that I was supposed to do. I didn't go to sch for debates, I didn't run and I didn't meet up with drew and marc. So I just pretty much bummed around at home until it was time for me to head down to the office. It was a quick briefing, and then we went to have prata and play pool until it was time for Oli to meet his girlfriend. And that was it.

Pretty boring.
But tomorrow is set to be a busy busy day with many things to do and many people to meet. Having to wake up early to make it in time for the Intel test in the morning is a huge bummer though, and I doubt I'll make it through seeing as to how I'm too lazy to even reading through wikipedia.

Oh well.
At least I'm set on going to ntu, so I suppose that's something. Now we'll just have to make the best of things. Funny how things turn out, no?

I want to go for my kayaking 1 star and learn driving! I really need a sugar mummy, you know?

2007-05-31T21:29:00.000+08:00

So I'm a ntu bio sci student.

2007-05-17T07:20:00.000+08:00

I definitely woke up on the right side of bed today.

Amazing how good it feels to wake up feeling almost normal. The weather has been hell this past week, and everyone's feeling a bit under the weather. Whilst I do feel guilty about not turning up for work yesterday, I cannot deny that a day off has made a whole world of difference. My head still hurts, but at least it isn't spinning so much.

Today, I feel nostalgic. I can't believe it's been 9 weeks already. 1 more day and I'll be out of here for good. I know I've said that I'm not cut out to be a teacher, and God knows I've screwed up so many times, but I know I've tried. It's been a great 9 weeks, and I know I'll treasure these memories for the rest of my life. There were days when I felt really annoyed with some of my students - some of them can get a little disrespectful, and some of them just think they've got a badass attitude, but most of my students have been fantastic. It couldn't have been easy for them having to follow me as I bumbled my way through the first few weeks either. It's pretty unforunate that this term has all been about fitness and conditioning, I know I would love to have had a chance to play some games with them or simply to sit down and chat with them. But I guess you can't get everything you want, so I'm just grateful for this opporunity. Teaching may not be what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it's good to be able to explore every avenue.

Over this term, every class that I've taught has taken on a life of their own. Some are soft-spoken, some are loud, some have an arrogance that remind me of myself, whilst other classes are shy and reserved. I don't know if I was the best teacher I could be, or even if I was any good at all, but I do hope that they've learnt something from me, even if it was only what not to be in the future. I'm not certain that any of my students will ever get to read this, but I do hope that they've found out this term that they are capable of something great if only they would allow themselves to believe. It gives me immense satisfaction when my students tell me that they've accomplished something that they've never done before, and I hope that this small measure of success will set them up for bigger and better things to come.

Eventually, tomorrow will come, and my short teaching stint will come to a close. But I'm excited, for so many reasons. As this chapter in my life ends, another one begins. A chapter that holds great promise. But first, I'm going to take some time and do the many things that I haven't had a chance to do. My tattoos, my pants, my sneakers, my furniture.

I'm preparing to live out my dream, are you?

2007-05-14T07:16:00.000+08:00

I've always assumed that there was nothing I couldn't figure out on my own at a grand old age of 19, but right now I'm terrified and more than a little bit confused. Simply put, I can't imagine being asked to decide the future of the rest of my life just yet. Perhaps it's me, but it's more than about just being happy. I know where I would be happier, but it's also about being relevant to society, about prospects, about aptitude and so much more. Just recently, I thought I had it all figured out - I know where my parents want me to go, and I thought I knew what I wanted with my life, but I guess I was wrong.

I still don't know. Bloody hell. As you can probably tell, it hasn't been the greatest of monday mornings. My eyes are burning and I feel sluggish, like I've been waddling my way through a muddy swamp all morning. Trust me, it makes the Compass test this afternoon a whole less appealing. Then again, sitting 5 hours and going through a whole multitude of tests wouldn't have been that appealing even on the best of days so I don't know.

I don't think I've had a good night's sleep since I got that jab for my allergy reaction last week and waking up every morning with a hangover of sorts doesn't exactly work wonders for my temper. It makes me grumpy and easily annoyed. Sometimes I wonder if we're being too soft, but I don't know. I just don't like people who don't try. It rubs me the wrong way and I just don't have the patience to babysit them. It doesn't matter if you can't do it, but it just irks me when you don't even bother to try.

I need a break in outer space before I go crazy.

2007-05-03T18:29:00.000+08:00

When I believed.

"There was once a little girl, who fell in love. Once, then a second time. The first time, the flame blew out, and the feelings faded. For a while, she was bitter, insercure. Afterall, they had promised each other forever.
But most of all, she was alone.
Then one day, she set her eyes upon a most beautiful person in the most unlikely of places. There was chemistry between them, though neither of them expected to fall in love with the other. As days went by, they became the best of friends. They called each other every night and often talked for hours, and this little girl was blissful happy.
Together, they braved many storms.
And this little girl didn't feel lonely anymore.
Soon, this little girl discovered that she was falling in love with her most beautiful friend. And on this one perfect day, one of those days where everything works out fine, this little girl received a most beautiful declaration of love from her most beautiful friend. From that perfect day onwards, the bond between them grew in leaps and bounds. They were inseperable. Along the way, from one wonderful day to the other, there were sad days. Days where they would fight over the silliest of things, but it just made them stronger.
this little girl started believing.
Days passed quickly for this happy little girl. Her life consisted of school, her most beautiful friend and her other equally-wonderful-in-other-ways friends. For very much the first time in her life, this little girl was living life with meaning.

For the first time in her life, this little girl believed."
- Written on 22nd Jan, 2004.

~~I miss believing, but more than that, I miss everything about you.~~

2007-04-26T13:12:00.000+08:00

Bang Bang.

I got a new Swatch yesterday, courtesy of my mum, and if you can believe it - it's the first Swatch I have ever owned. I've always wanted a swatch when I was growing up, but back then, my mum was pretty strict with me and the most expensive watch I could get was a green Timex on sale, with a plastic strip. How things have changed. Where I used to wear a watch for 2-3 years, now I've a metal DKNY, a brown Fossil, an orange Adidas and a black Swatch.

Imagine that.

I couldn't. -shrugs.

Oh the materialistic youths of today.
Speaking of which, I need to send my pants for tailoring soon. I can't bear their bagginess much longer. Can't believe I used to think they were cool. Haha!

2007-04-25T13:39:00.000+08:00

Anyway, Teck Whye Primary's holding their annual sports day over here and they're playing National Day Songs.

And you know what?

I like it.
I do. -blushes.

Well, except for last year's song. I don't like that one. Don't know what the hell it was talking about actually. I much prefer those by tanya chua and stefaine sun. Pfft.

Keep playing those songs. (:

2007-04-25T10:22:00.000+08:00

There's something about flu.

My ears are blocked and my nose is leaking badly. I'm disorientated and my actions feel a tad retarded. I try to convince myself that I'll feel better once I've had a good night's sleep but somehow my words sound empty and honestly, I'll be better off trying to convince myself that SMU is going to call me down for an interview soon. Which, in case anyone is wondering, is about as likely to happen as hell freezing over.

So What does one do in such circumstances?

I'm just sitting in the office, waiting for 2 o'clock to roll about so that I can go and waste other people's time on the pretense of educating them about debates. Afterwhich I can hopefully go downtown and pick out a new fossil watch courtesy of my mummy before I head home and crash. Tomorrow's going to be a long day. You know?

But I've been thinking, as much as my severely impaired brain can afford to, about life and love and why. Maybe I'll share my thoughts with you all sometime, but for now I'm off to prepare for my workshop.

I feel important.
YEAH RIGHT.

2007-04-20T10:36:00.000+08:00

So there, I'm 19.

Only 19, but yet it feels like it's been a lifetime. I suppose it's true what they say about birthdays as you grow older, because strangely I don't feel excited anymore. Which is very depressing, since I've been looking forward to this day since God knows how long ago.

I don't know why, but I seem to be living my life in monochrome these days. Nothing much appeals to me now - not alcohol, not soccer, not campfires. Well, it isn't that I don't want to, but actually living it, or doing it for a period of time longer than perhaps the first 10 minutes, makes it seem like a chore.

You know, it's like the promise of something is more exciting than the actual product/process. Pfft.

It doesn't help that my vocabulary has shrank to that more appropriate of a 5 year old either. So everything I write nowadays sounds pretty much like a Hallmark greeting card, or is simply incoherent. Actively trying to slavage my dwindling intellect just serves as a painful reminder of how far along it has fallen.

Oh fuck it.
I'm nursing a world class flu and feeling very sick. I wish I didn't have to go to sch. ):

Bye bye, world.

::Edit::
The beginning of this post was written on the 20th, but I didn't fall sick until the day after. Hur. -sniffs into a tissue and coughs loudly.

2007-04-18T10:43:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-04-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

Living In Limbo

Livejournal.
Having two blogs always seems better than one.
Haha.

2007-03-28T16:01:00.000+08:00

Tick Tock.

It's already the 28th of March and I haven't paid for my uni applications. Tsk. I really hope that I'll get a chance to do it today since it takes 3 working days for the fees to be processed and uni applications close on the 1st of April. Oh, damn... I Have to pay for it by today. Hrms.

I miss camp, and soccer. Finally got the chance to play soccer with the criminals today. It's been WAY too long since I've had a good workout. Looking forward to playing soccer again on friday even though my ankle hurts like f***. Especially since I got studded again.

Oh wells. I'll check back when I can.
Off to shower and meet my mummy. (:

2007-03-20T17:33:00.000+08:00

Damn blogger sucks.
I was done with my new entry, but then it got deleted. So now I've to start all over again, which is really annoying. As I was saying, I suppose life can get that little bit troublesome without internet but it's not as though I'm home enough to figure out what that's like, so I'm too lazy to call starhub and find out what the hell is wrong with my internet connection.

But on a happier note, I finally submitted my online applications. And all that's left to do is to pray and hope like hell that I'll get into the course that I want. Admittedly, it's a long shot but at least it's worth a try. It's going to be an anxious wait until the end of April. Maybe it'll be a happy 19th birthday?

There's so much I wanna say, but yet I don't know where to start. How do you begin to explain what it feels like to be lost in the wilderness, caught between who you were and who you are now? So much that's messed up, but yet there's a part of me that has fallen in love with that complexicity and chaos. How do you reconcile the differences between your past and your future?

I realise I've never really spoken about my life as a camp instructor. But then again, how do you even start to describe what it's like? It's satisfying and a whole lot of craziness, but it drains you - mentally and physically. The fatigue boggles your mind and scrambles your brains, and you're aching like you ran a marathon in your sleep, but it's a drug you just can't get enough of. Now that my last camp is beyond me, I miss it and I can't wait for my next. But yet, I can't wait to return to normality - no more late nights and zombie days.

DAMN.

So yes, I guess I am that instructor jinger from jbac. But not for the next 2 months anyway. ):
And to be honest, I don't know what I'm rambling about.

2007-02-18T10:58:00.000+08:00

It's been so long, but happy cny anyways. (:

Life's been a whole lot of madness and a hell lot of fun. Though I won't deny that I feel guilty about neglecting my friends and family sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of times. But it's easy to get caught up in all the fun, isn't it? What's more if the instructors are all becoming really great friends ay.

I don't know.

I just want to enjoy whatever time I've left till the results get out. Not get wrapped up in the little issues that are lingering around like a bad scent. It amuses me to think about the amount of effort you're willing to put in to get back at me. Too bad your past makes your story a whole lot less convincing ay? No one's really going to listen to someone like you. Try harder really. (:

Okay, enough of this. I'm off to visit my grandma. She's adorable!

2007-01-27T20:51:00.000+08:00

What's up people.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Being without internet gets annoying but I'm hardly ever at home nowadays so... it isn't that annoying. I've been meaning to get it fixed but I'm so bloody shagged. Too tired and lazy to dig for the internet bill and call starhub. I'll get to it soon enough I suppose. Well, hopefully.

But...
since I had to do something online, I thought I might as well take the chance to blog. It's been a hellavu rollercoaster ride since school ended. It gets to me sometimes, the way everything's changing. I don't know why, but too often my greatest source of inspiration comes from the symphony of the depressed and the paranoid....

It's been a long time since I've thought about the way things ended. When everything went to hell, I was sore at you but I always had the impression that things were my fault. Maybe I should have done this or been that. It's been so so long, but it still stung to finally find out that you were the one who gave it all up for someone else. Things that didn't make sense at that time make sense now, it's all falling into place. Maybe I shouldn't sound so judgemental, but yeah. I can't help it. I mean, I don't know how you felt at that point but it couldn't have been any worse than how I felt. I was the one who got burnt afterall.
Screw, knowing the truth hurts. It really does. I wish so much that I could be mature and understanding about this, but the heartache makes it so damn difficult. I don't understand how you could have did what you did. Yeah well I always thought I knew what I knew too but I guess I was wrong. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was me but listening to what she had to tell me about what happened killed me again. Your friends are good to you, no? Damn I wished my friends would play matchmakers too.

Fuck. I'm going to stop now before I get stuck in all these negative emotions again. Time to grow up and leave this all behind. I can't forget what happened but hell, I still wish you'll find someone who made you as happy as you made me once upon a time.

Call me stupid.
S-T-U-P-I-D.

I'm off to write my report now before I fall asleep at my cousin's place. Good night world. I'll write when I can.

2006-12-28T18:17:00.000+08:00

Boo.
My computer's down, so blogging's going to get that much more difficult. I'll check in when I can, if not I'll just enjoy whatever time I've left until March. (:

Takecare peeps.
Love! (:

2006-12-24T12:46:00.000+08:00

Isn't she just the HOTTEST?! Damn.

-DROOLS.

My all time favourite girl, she's even better than Angelina Jolie.

For real! (:

2006-12-23T21:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Mr Claus, could you tell me... who's reading my blog from hong kong?

You know what? I'm turning into such a gay housewife!

HOHOHO.
Read more about her adventures tomorrow! (:

2006-12-23T10:12:00.000+08:00

Thank You, Mr M.O.E.

Simplicity is beauty, no? I know some of you think that the new template's boring, but whatever your opinions, I think it's pretty spifffty myself and I like it - for now, at least. LOL.

There's only another what, 2 more weeks until 2007 arrives?
I can't wait. The past year has largely been one of unfufilled potential and unexpected misery, for all of its initial promise. Without a doubt, the trials and tribulations I've encountered has and will continue to play a big role of shaping me into who I shall eventually be, and who knows really perhaps they'll turn out to be blessings in disguise. But for now, I think that it's been an forgettable year. I don't know if the coming year will bring with it better fortunes (and seriously I really doubt so), but I hope I'll at least get the chance to redeem myself. It's been painful and depressing to watch the events unfolding around me, and with all the happiness floating around I feel like a wet blanket that's raining on the parade. But no matter whether it's bad luck or errors in judgement, things have happened and I suppose we'll just have to live with it.

To be fair though, friendship wise the past year has been great. Made some new friends, with some friends leaving but many have stayed and left permanent marks on my life. My best and closest friends have remain the only constants in this ever changing surroundings and I am truly grateful for them. No matter whether it's friends I've made in school or through some totally random events, more than anything, they've been the ones who've helped me through this miserable year. Your laughter, nonsense and concern are just about the only saving grace.

The other is undoubtedly, The Beautiful Game.
In a year barren of love (in That sense of the word HAHA!) and life, it's been the anchor that's kept me sane.

When 2007 rolls along, it's going to be a new year - in every sense of the word.

2006-12-19T19:49:00.000+08:00

Scrubs.

I just spent the past hour scrubbing the mud off my boots, jersey yadda yadda yadda. Can't really complain since my darling mummy has been doing all the scrubbing since forever but still.

Friendlies went well over the weekend, and I finally had the chance to play upfront. (: But I think all the running about the rain and sleep debt's finally caught up with me - I've been feeling out of sorts for the past 2 days. I hope it's just a minor bug or whatever, I'm determined not to let it ruin christmas for me. I think that this crazy ass weather might thought, 'cause rain just makes me feel so lazy to leave the house.

Speaking of which, I'm probably going D.I.Y for christmas this year seeing as to how I've little cash left and I really wanna get my family something nice. I can probably ask my parents for more money, but I think it's really weird. I should stop really, but I don't have a regular source of income yet so the parent atm will have to suffice for now. Hrms. Hopefully 2007 will bring about more camps and more money...?

Oh wells. I'm off to source for inspiration.

2006-12-18T19:32:00.000+08:00

Hotstuff.

Hell Yeah HAHAHAHAHA. Things have all been so crazy, and suddenly home feels so foreign to me. Camp was truly an experience to savour. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive about the camp since I wasn't all that great with little imps, but it turned out pretty good. Even if it was awfully tiring. Trying to be rahh rahh when you're barely surviving on 2 hours of sleep isn't as easy as it sounds, not to mention the fact that most of the instructors and attaches (that's us noobs) were losing their voices after 3 days of non-stop cheering, yelling and screaming and some sounded like croaking toads, including yours truly. I could barely keep my eyes open on the 3rd day and it was a blessing to be able to leave the camp and catch some snooze before training, even though 2.5 hours was in no way sufficient to compensate for my sleep debt.

Felt lethergic and clumsy during the weekend friendlies, but they turned out alright. More on them later. I needa go wash my boots.

2006-12-13T07:30:00.000+08:00

You will always be my boo.

I really wanted to sleep in today, but alas - things were not meant to be. It wasn't all bad though, recieved an email from camp high achievers to welcome me into their family of instructors. Sweeeeeet. (:

Speaking of which, I'll be away on attachment camp from the 13th to the 16th of December, so I'll check in when I get back. Got to go earn my living, you know? Hehe.

Take care, peeps!

Inference never brought such sweet sorrow.

2006-12-12T23:29:00.000+08:00

In the presence of more illustrious company.

The universe as we know it has ceased to exist, and we see the world in a whole different prespective. Thrust rudely into centrestage, suddenly it seems more ominous and a whole less friendly. The security of familiar faces and surroundings is an option that is no longer available to us, at least not on a daily basis. For the first time, many of us find ourselves trudging through life alone, struggling to stay on course while attempting to fend off the many distractions that lie in our path. Of course, it doesn't mean that we've cast aside the many friends that we've made throughout our education - if anything, many of us are determined to hold onto this vestige of the world we've known our entire lives. But reality dictates a whole different game with a strange new set of rules, and we're stuck in it for good. I used to think that I could never spend time outside on my own, and it always bug me if I've to wait for a person for too long - it makes me wholly uncomfortable. I still think so now, but I guess I've come to realise that it isn't always possible for you to be surrounded by your friends and by hook or by crook, we've got to learn to roll with it.

And you must remember - our lofty dreams of changing the world for the better. But have you come to realise, as I have, that the problems that taint our society is bigger than us, that the ugliness that has come to define the human race so deeply ingrained in our pysche that everyone else has resigned themselves to it.

What a bummer.

I'm tempted to run, as fast and as far away from this reality as humanly possible, but I refuse to allow myself to succumb to the diseases that has come to grip the world - apathy and self-denial. I won't deny that it scares me shitless everytime Tuesday or Saturday comes around and I've to head off to training. The presence of more skillful, experienced and illustrious company is thought enough to render me a whimpering wreck and my overactive imagination doesn't help either. Every mistake I make seems to be magnified and everything right - expected. Of course, that's not the case but it certainly seems that way to me. This sense of nervous anticipation and trepidation makes my stomach turn, but I'm not going to give up. Who knows, maybe my determination will be rewarded 1 day. (:

One day, we'll be old hands and we'll make this world our playground all over again.
So run along, we've got some ass to kick.

P.S. Damn I am so melodramatic!

2006-12-10T21:01:00.000+08:00

Arion FC 2 Police FC 2

It's been a helluva of a week, and I'm pretty happy with the way things went - even if I'm still out of a job, and nobody bothers to call me back! The second half of the week was busy busy busy, and went by in the blink of an eye. But before I go into details, I've a VERY important announcement to make.

I need moolah, would YOU like to be my sugar mummy?

Interested applicants, please dial the toll free hotline:

1800-I WOULD LIKE TO BE YOUR SUGAR MUMMY.

HAHAHAHA. But seriously, it's a bitch trying to live on 50 miserable buckeroos a week and damn near impossible judging by the amount of time I've been spending in town this week. Besides, I feel guilty about having to live off my parents especially since I've been asking them for money every other day. So it's high time I found a job you know? HMMS.

On second thought, I'll blog more tomorrow. Feeling really lazy to type on. Tired and I'm off to bed. Early day tomorrow.

2006-12-08T02:19:00.000+08:00

There're many things I find distasteful about this template, and I could go on about how the font stinks (tahoma rocks my socks!) and the words are stuck so close together if you're slow enough you could potentially go blind from trying to read the entry below this - which is bloody long and incoherent.

But it's too funny to pass up, so I think I'll use it for a little while (maybe a day or 2!) before I change it. It appeals to my warped sense of humour, you see? -smirks.

I'm knacked.
Off to bed. (:

2006-12-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

It's funny how time seems to stand still when night falls, don't you think?

I've always had mixed feelings about this time of the day. Hunched over the dimly lit computer screen and nursing my daily caffine fix amidst the darkness, I finally feel at peace for the first time in weeks and I remember why I've always had a special affection for the night. To be honest, I feel inadequate - my miserable vocabulary failing to capture and bring across even the slightest bit of magic that so visibly surrounds us when night dawns. I haven't always felt this way of course, but it's been so long since I've sat down and truly savoured the richness of a novel that I've forgotten what it feels like to be inspired. It may sound ridiculous but I sorely miss the times when the greatest joy was a good book and a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. But somewhere along the way, life came along and swept me off my feet into the occasionally embarassing and perpetually nerve wrecking arms of adolescence.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure that I must have came across as the typical geek with an exceptionally lousy haircut and absolutely no penchant for academies. I can't remember when I started reading or why I even picked up a book in the first place, but I never forgot how I was obssessed with the Hardy Boys. It sounds far fetched, but I used to head down to the library every week and borrow loads of Hardy Boys novels, stuffing my bookbag (no crumpler then) till it just about burst at the seams. A dozen books at a time, and I think I got through the whole of the series in about a year. No small feat considering Hardy Boys had a couple of hundred books to their name! I could probably get through 3 or 4 of those books in a day now, but back then it was awfully hard to waddle through all the books that I lugged back home. I read everywhere, on the schoolbus and during recess, when I was supposed to be working on my assignments and even during lessons. Never really got rid of that habit though, I think I continued to be told off by teachers for reading all the way up to when I was in secondary 4.

But I digress.

I've spent most of the past few months complaining bitterly about the lack of time, but now I find myself with so much time on my hands I'm pratically oozing worms out of my ears. I can't figure it out really, afterall I shouldn't have much time left in between everything that I'm doing. I sleep nearly 12 hours a day, watch movies on youtube till my eyeballs are threatening to pop out of my sockets, devote a minimum of 9-10 hours a weeks to soccer and spend at least 3 nights a week on dinners, get togethers and whatevernot and still I'm totally, comprehensively and positively bored out of my wits. I can't exactly remember how long it has been since the A levels, but I'm quite sure that it hasn't been that long and already I feel so lifeless. Goes to show that freedom ain't exactly the bed of roses that we've made it out to be, no? Can't wait to get my life back on track, but I can't deny that I'm missing my friends just that teeny weeny bit. After 12 years of formal education, the prospect of waking up each day and NOT having to trod sleepily to school takes some serious adjusting. No more messing around in the canteen, no more dinners after training, from now onwards, getting together's going to require real human effort. I don't want to lose the many friends I've made over the past 2 years, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't see many of them ever again. If I'm lucky, I'll bump into them along the streets and we'll exchange wry smiles, each a poignant reminder of junior college life that's ever so bittersweet.

I remember stepping into college with an arrogant smile and hating the school logo. I remember calling up my cousin in the middle of orientation 1 2005 and complaining to her about how everything from orientation to the uniforms to the people in the school were stupid. 2 years down the road, I still hate the school logo and I still think (some parts of it) orientation is stupid but I can sing the school song (I HOPE) and dance the mass dance, and proclaim loudly that I will do anything for some of my friends in college. Yes, they're THAT important to me (but don't get big headed you pricks!).

Oh bloody hell.
Now look at me, ranting and raving on and on and on.
You all probably don't even care, do you?
Bugger.

Dinners soon yeah?
Don't work and work and work in the noble name of learning. Whoever said that you can't learn anything from being out with your friends! Besides, you know what they say! All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. (:

2006-12-07T19:30:00.000+08:00

I'm still stuck in my bedroom, nursing a world class headache and wondering what in the world I'm going to do for the next few months. I would ideally be working but under these circumstances I don't see how we're going to compromise. Fuck I hate to be one of those telemarketers or surveyers or promoters, and for that matter I don't see why working at a club or a restaurants going to be my downfall. Call me naive and stupid but really working at night and at Holland V is so much better than gluing my damn ear to the phone going, "OH HI I KNOW I'M AN ANNOYING PRICK BUT BEAR WITH ME ANYWAY."

WTF.

Seriously, for all the times that I've hung up on them (no offense, I'm really just not interested) I find it a tad hypocritical and very revolting to even entertain the idea of joining them. I just can't force myself to sound enthusastic about something that I won't have bought even if they paid me to. I mean, you and me and just about everyone else knows that they're just ripping you off, aren't they?

DAMN.

2006-12-07T09:16:00.000+08:00

Righteous Anger.

So for that untimely outburst of mine yeserday, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably wouldn't be able to go out, at least for the next few days. I suppose I won't venture out of my room much either, I've got to find a way to sneak some vcds into my room so I won't be bored out of my wits.

I'm hungry but I'm in exile.
Breakfast will have to wait. ):

2006-12-06T21:10:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going to stay at home and live off my parents for the next 7 months on my miserable allowance of 50 buckeroos a weeks.

FUCK.

Oversensitive and parnoid has never feel so maddening.

2006-12-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

Reflection of a Stranger.

I can't believe how unbelievably frusrated I am with my parents and their warped sense of concern.

2006-12-02T23:25:00.000+08:00

Crazy ass days.

It's been crazy, and I'm in serious sleep debt. Many things to say, but I guess it'll just have to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be a little less sleepy and a little more coherent. But just so you know, I've had my hair all cut off. Didn't turn out the way I wanted it to and I can't deny I was pretty disappointed. But I suppose hair grows back eventually and in the meantime I'll just try to stay away from densely populated areas and learn to go around with a cap all day long.

Whatever it is, I can't it take it anymore.
I'm off to bed.

2006-11-27T21:31:00.000+08:00

A day out in the sun, and all the joys of shoe shopping.

Pictures up soon.

2006-11-27T20:27:00.000+08:00

Conditioned Reflexes.

It's funny now when you think about it. Growing up, I didn't have the slightest clue that anything was different, or dysfunctional. I never wondered about the words, actions and behaviour of the adults, hell I was too engrossed with my power rangers and captain planet. I played with my toys all day long, got tucked into bed every night and that was it - my whole world. Then, I got caught up with the whole process of growing up, and I didn't want to care. It was like a lousy show on permanent rerun, and I was tired of it. They didn't bother me with it much either, so everyone just pretended that everything was fine and dainty. I stung when they came too close, and pretty soon, life and its tiresome little details became automatic.

Then I grew up, and everything became crystal clear. Suddenly, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't pretend not to understand what was happening and I couldn't escape from my overactive (and mostly correct) imagination. I couldn't run away from the real life consquences that arose from this particular recipe for a diaster. I was a young adult, and I was expected to shoulder some responsibility. So how do you even begin to describe what it feels like to live every day with the clock ticking loudly besides your ears slowly counting down to what you firmly believe is an inevitable and miserable consquence?

There was a small part of me that believed, perhaps naively, in miracles. It was that same tiny part of me that wondered if it was possible for us to be happy again and it was that small part of me that grew increasingly excited at the developments. Then the cracks started to appear and I grew doubtful, all the age old doubts and insecurities resurfacing. I started to brace myself, and grew resentful of them. Old they may be, but they were certainly not wise or diplomatic.

So now that things have gone astray, where do we go from here?

I wish I could believe in the whole idea of normality, but the distant prospect grows all the dimmer with every passing year. Sometimes I wonder what it would take for them to grow up and realise their folly. Too much I think.

They were and always are a recipe for diaster, too many years in the making.

2006-11-26T11:04:00.000+08:00

Life certainly has a way of picking its moments.

And the craziness of nerding gives way to the craziness of everyday living. It's funny how I never realised that all the studying gave me a passport to escape from all the politics and nitty gritty details of daily life. But now that it's all over, and I've got to learn how to live again. To deal with all the dirty laundry and scandalous details that's been part and parcel of my life since as far back as I could remember.

Normality evades me.

2006-11-22T20:54:00.000+08:00

Wordpress

Password Protection for some posts.

Ask nicely?

Haha. (:

2006-11-21T21:33:00.001+08:00

2006-11-21T20:19:00.000+08:00

Another day, another blog template.

Okay, so I was bored and the exam ain't even over yet! Was toying with the idea of uprooting and shifting to a password protected blog, but I've given up on that... at least for now. It's quite hard to password protect your blog securely you know? I don't know about you guys, but the usual password protection that I've seen on blogs really don't work. Most of the time, all you have to do is to just close the pop up window so it's pretty much equivalent to not protecting your blog at all.

But I've got a new tagboard at the side, the guys have been asking me to put it there for a while already. Never did really like the idea of a tagboard, since I very much believe that I would rather not know if you dislike me. I guess I've just seen too many of the name calling and swearing that goes around in the blogsphere, but I'll just stick my neck out this time especially since it's going to be much harder now to keep in contact when school's out for good. Who knows, maybe it'll work out, or maybe not. Hmms.

I'm still rather fond of the whole password protection idea 'cause to be honest, there are some subjects that I would very much enjoy speaking out on, but that's kind of difficult to do when you can't be sure of who's reading it. I'm still not ready to 'fess up and bare my soul to the world. Heh.

Anyways, town yesterday and vivo city today. Too bad our trip to vivo city was cut short by some unforeseen circumstances that pretty much ruined the atmosphere. But I'm sure I'll get a chance to explore it further soon! Haha.

Speaking of which, casino royale anyone?
I know everyone must have seen it already, but I've just ended you know! Ok, not really ended but I'm 90% done! Which is really a cause for celebration. But I'm just too tired.

Oh wells. I'll be off to shower and sleep.
I'm still nursing my sleep debt from yesterday.

2006-11-21T16:50:00.000+08:00

One more paper.
75 minutes.
40 questions.

Then 12 years of formal education will be over.
I'll miss it I think, actually I'm sure I will. No more school uniforms, no more waking up at 6 every morning. What a change it'll be. Refreshing, initially yes. But I'm sure that sooner or later I'll wake up one morning and say the darnest thing. Probably something about the lines of how I miss school. Terribly excited about the near future, from soccer trainings to movies and town, hell even the prospect of getting my first job. Come febuary though, I'm pretty sure I'll won't be all that happy...

Damn. I should enjoy this while it lasts right...?
I can finally get that tattoo I want.
Cut my hair.
Play soccer all day long without feeling guilty.
Mess around and sleep 15 hours a day.
yadda yadda yadda.

Now if I can only stop thinking about getting my results back.
Haha.

2006-11-19T21:12:00.000+08:00

No steam.

So disheartening to know that after careful analysis, the topic I hate the most is most likely to come out for essay.

Don't feel like nerding anymore, my brain feels saturated.
But I can't afford to screw this up.

Why does it feel like the worst is yet to come?

Incoherent ramblings.
Dejected.

2006-11-19T11:18:00.000+08:00

Oh but this is bad.

Somehow I can't seem to get my head around all those stupid terms and whats not in this amazing thick stack of notes called the human reproductive system.

Glycoprotein jellycoat = zona pellucida.
Thickened mould of follicle cells that surrounds the secondary oocyte and projects into the antrum = cumulus oophorus.
Cumulus oophorus that immediately surrounds the oocyte and remains with it after ovulation = corona radiata.
small vesicles that lies beneath the plasma membrane and prevents polyspermy = cortical granules.

And all that for less than 1/34 of the notes.
We're not even talking about the rest of the 5 chapters that awaits me.

Sexual Reproduction in flowers.
Asexual Reproduction.
Growth and development.
Hormonal Control in plants.
Hormonal Control in humans.

Seriously.
Gaa I can't afford to screw up bio. Not after the rest of the papers.

I wonder why my head hurts so bad. HMMS.

2006-11-19T10:42:00.000+08:00

Last written paper tomorrow.

It's all about the reproductive systems man. How exciting. Hur Hur.
5 chapters more.

The days have been flying by, and it's just about over. It's going to be pants down soon for all of us yeah, even the lit people (right, su? HAHAHA).

Been an eventful yesterday.
Recieved my darn belated birthday presents from my mummy yesterday. Well, it's so belated but I'll forgive her since she gave me 3 presents instead of 1. Hahaha. I'm such a materialistic bastard.
Went for training yesterday and almost threw up my lunch. Somehow I can't imagine myself training 4 times a week like I used to, but I really wanna go back to capoeira. Hmms. Dunno really, I'll figure it out once I'm done with all of this.

But it ain't over till the fat lady sings, y'all.
so All the way. (:

Going to go back to nerding proper.
I'll see you all in town tomorrow! (:
Woohoo.

2006-11-16T19:05:00.000+08:00

And from the bottom of the dusty pile comes a poignant reminder.

"And I do not believe in the existance of angels. But looking at you, I wonder if it is true. But if I did, I would summon them together and ask them to watch over you. To make bright and clear your path. To guide you, like Christ, in grace, into my arms..."

2006-11-16T00:03:00.000+08:00

So it ain't the end of the A levels yet...

But we're getting there.
Took a couple of hours out from studying to have lunch with my mum, nap and do all sorts of things that we ain't supposed to be doing right now. Caught a bit of the James Bond 007 marathon on star movies and changed the template - which reminds me, I wanted to put a new song in, but tripod won't cooperate so I guess I'll just leave it alone for now and try again after everything's over. Or maybe not...?

But where was I?
Oh right, the James Bond movie. I think it was called Live and Let Die if I'm not wrong, starring Roger Moore. No offense to him, he's not bad looking. But it was really cheesy and kind of reminded me of those low budget (The 3 ninjas Kick Back) type of movies, you know how all the badasses do stupid things like drive themselves into the river etc? And all the women just couldn't wait to get into his pants, he didn't even have to say anything! Well, except maybe darling? Couldn't help but tease my mum about it, that woman's a huge James Bond and Indiana Jones fan. Poor lady was riveted to the telly, maybe I'll go catch the new Bond flick with her next week. But she's not too keen on watching it though, she says the new Bond's not handsome enough. HAHAHA.

Alrights it's midnight already.
I'm off to bed, got to wake up and study tomorrow.
There's only 3 papers left, got to do well for them.
Good night world. (:

2006-11-03T11:42:00.000+08:00

So I was looking through all those profiles...

people in love.
people in sadness.
good looking people.
weird looking people.
scary looking people.
familiar looking people.
schoolmates.
classmates.
friends.
close friends.

You..?

There's a million things to do... and 4 days left. But somehow I find my mind sidetracked by irrelevant thoughts that pop into my head out of nowhere. Thoughts that have been festering inside for a while, thoughts that I thought were buried into the closet for good.

I'm trying the best I can.
But the best laid plans can fall into pieces.

Damn.

2006-10-29T21:31:00.000+08:00

On and did I mention that I'm on the verge of becoming a pyschotic murderer?

Really I am. I've it all planned out already. I'll kill everyone on my shitlist 'cos I don't like those annoying buggers, then everyone on the I don't really like your face list - just for the fun of it. Then seeing as to how I won't be going to heaven anytime soon, I'll kill myself for some reason if only to see how it would feel like.

Now if only I could really do that.

But I think I'll be quite pleased if everyone would just shut up. Well not everyone really, just the specific few people I have in mind.

I can feel this blind and irrational rage pulling the wool over my eyes so I'll save everyone the trouble and go take a cold shower.

You know I love you all, but you won't want to get on my shitlist today. Really.