I'm going home.

HOME
I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

8:57 PM

a clean slate

Training was awesome. I mean, damn it feels great to have a coach that believes in you. He spoke to me briefly before trainings and told me that I was very much a part of his plans - mann those words really fired me up and fuck me if I'm gonna stand around and watch the world pass me by anymore!

It's been so so so difficult to watch from the sidelines while someone else establishes herself in your place, and it's even worse when you hear other people tell you about how good and how intelligent a player she's become - which in all honesty, she is. For a while, it really made me wonder if I'll ever get a chance to earn my place back 'cos every time I get on, I'm in a position which I detest. He got me down so bad, I kept thinking if I had made the right choice in giving up debates and hockey to concentrate on football.

Shit, I still hate how he made me feel so self-conscious and awful every match. I literally ran away from the stadium after the first match - I was so afraid that I'll end up bawling like a baby in the locker room. I keep thinking why the results were ringing hollow to me and that makes me feel so guilty 'cos I'm a part of the team and I'm supposed to be happy for them but damnit, why does it hurt so bloody bad to smile and join in the celebrations. Man, there were so many times I wished I could just dig a hole and stay there forever.

I hated it, and I hated myself, for so many things - for being a lousy team mate, for giving up on my place, for a million and one hundred other reasons. I know that it's still an uphill task for me, it's going to be difficult to convince my team mates and it's even harder to redeem myself in my own opinion but hell, I'm gonna try.

Uhh, I know that most of these feelings may be the creation of my own overactive imagination but sometimes you just can't help the way you feel. I doubt that anyone from ntuws will read this, but just in case anyone stumbles upon it, I hope you understand that I'm still really proud to be a part of the team, it's just that occasionally bad thoughts get into your head and you can't get them out, you know? It's nothing personal against anyone, except He-who-must-not-be-named.

Alright, now that that's all out of my system and I've exorcise my demons, I need to look forward and move on. So if things go according to plan, I'll never have to bring this up again!