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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

9:13 PM
I know it's been a while, but that's definitely not because I haven't been trying - I just don't exactly know what I want to say.

BUT the finals have been over for a while now and I think everyone's slowly settling into some sort of a routine that hopefully doesn't involve late nights, excessive sleep debts and copious amounts of caffeine. Hahas!

Though I'm not really here to talk about all that. I don't know, I don't exactly remember the last time I spoke about camps and being an instructor. Maybe this is like what they say, that at the end you start to think about the beginning. I don't think this is the end, but then again, plenty of things have changed. I've changed - seen more things, perhaps grew that teeny weeny bit.
More than that, I've come to realise that I'm losing the one thing that in my opinion, separates a good instructor from everyone else - sincerity, and that as I gain more experience and process more information about the system, I've come to be able to manupulate the system. Do less, but achieve the same desired effect you know? I don't know if this qualifies as shooting myself in the foot, but hell, I don't like myself much when a camper comes up to me and a strange sense of annoyance overcomes me. I mean, of course I don't blow anyone off but this kind of thing never used to come up before. It's kind of disappointing 'cause I would never want to be like everyone else when I look at my campers. Most of them are fantastic kids stuck in a bad situation and they're doing the best they can. Shit, they've more heart than me.
I also know that being a camp instructor was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Before all of this, I was spoilt rotten and living in my own sugar coated bubblegum world. Now, I'm still kind of spoilt but at least I've come to understand that not everyone is lucky like me and that truly great people cannot be defined by postal codes or school badges. I've met some seriously amazing campers, whose optimism and drive for life leads me to wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my own.

Hahas do I even make sense?

I don't know, I miss camps, but I don't want to go back and do things half-heartedly. I want to go back and do things right again and I wanna make a difference.

I guess I have some thinking to do.

But anyway, I've something else to say and then I've got to shower and sleep. I don't know if I'm stirring shit up but hell, it's my blog and I can write whatever I want and everyone else who doesn't agree can go suck balls. HAHAHAHAHAS!

People who find out about "So and So" have a tendency to ask me if I can ever see us getting back together. I always replied quite truthfully that I don't think so. I mean, NEVER is too big a word and people say "never say never" all the time, but I honestly doubt it lar. For one thing, "So and So" is happily attached, but more importantly, I think I would rather not take the risk of ruining all the happy memories I have of our time together. Besides, I don't even know if we'll like each other much now, what with all the changes and such, much less fall in love all over again but that's out of point.

Hahas I'm rambling.

ANYWAY, I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie you know? Take the memories and walk away. Call me yellow, but unless you're pretty damn sure that "So and So" is THE ONE AND ONLY, don't go and fuck things up any worse that they already are. Besides, it's taken you so long to come this way, why put your heart on a platter and risk getting it broken all over again. I know you can't love without putting everything on the line, but after everything that has happened, are you willing to risk going through everything again? It only takes one time to start a pattern, you know.

Gosh I know this sounds harsh, but just trying to tell it like it is. Whatever decision we choose to make, the lucky ones among us will know that our friends will still have our back, but ultimately you're the one who is responsible for your actions. I guess that means you pay the price too.

Hahas I think I've said too much already, about camps and everything else. But it's honest, no? Maybe I feel like baring my soul tonight. HAHAHAS.