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HOME
I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

8:45 PM
Home's been on repeat the last couple of days.

It's perhaps the most apt of songs to describe what I'm feeling right about now - a little nostalgic, a bit confused and pretty damn messed up. Maybe it's the lousy weather, or just that time of the year, but seems like everyone's feeling a litle bit blue.

"Do you know what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home?" - The Pact by Jodic Picoult.

As a matter of fact, I do. Or rather, I did. I don't really know if I believe in one true love, but I know I did loved this person so. There ain't much more to say, 'cos it's not my intention to dig up the past but it's suffice to say that once upon a time, this person was my whole world. The only person on my mind, all the time.

And when it was all over, my world came crashing down. It hurt so bad. I had spent so much time planning for the future and dreaming of forever that I didn't know what to do now that this person, the better half of me, was gone. I was lost, surrounded by people that reminded me of this person, things that smelled like this person and places where we'd spent so much of our time together. I went from anger to jealously to misery to apathy and back all over again, over and over again. I blamed myself, the world, the person, God, and everyone under the sun. I made promises to myself that I couldn't keep, got so so mad at myself for being weak and overdependent, and did everything I possibly could, good or bad, to keep this person around me.

And I know this is happening now to people who I love and care about.

I know how it feels like to hurt so bad inside you can't breathe, when all the anger and sorrow within manifests itself into a tangible aching in your chest. To wake up in the morning and get through the day on auto-pilot, just going through the motions and doing what's expected of you just to get people to stop tiptoeing around you - because pretending like it never happened just kills you inside. I know what it's like to pick up the phone and yearn so badly to msg them, yet stop short with your bruised pride and sore ego in the way, filling up the whole damn sky. I know what it's like to cry at the drop of a hat, when waves of emotions overcome you and your eyes fill up with tears. I know what it's like to feel like when you're filled with despair and a fierce conviction that the best has already passed you by, a conclusion that makes your heart sink and leaves you wondering if you'll ever love again.

But while I don't know if it's possible to love someone again, the way I loved this person so, I do know that the passage of time dulls the pain. Oh you'll still feel it, for sure, like the ache of a phantom limb, on valentine's day or while watching a sappy romantic comedy on cable, but there will come a day when you lay in bed at night and realise with a startle that it's been a while since you've thought about him/her. Maybe you'll be pleasant suprised one day, like I was, when you think about the past and you'll be able to smile, abeit sadly, at the happy memories instead of feeling an overwhelming sadness.

That day will come, maybe not now, nor in the near future, but the human mind is truly remarkable. It's been a few years now, and though it was rough at times, I'm still here. So don't worry my friends, you'll be fine.