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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

3:51 PM
a soul for a good grade.

I know that I'm not the most hardworking person around, and by golly, I knew that I should have started studying ages ago. To be honest, there's no doubt that I do deserve whatever lousy grades I end up with this semester and I wish that I had more confidence and courage to face the truth and accept the consquences.

Morals vs Practicality.
It was the hardest choice I have had to make in a really long while - kind of like asking someone to choose between a rock and a hard place. And I know that people will judge, but I just wish they knew that it wasn't easy to make the decision. Sometimes, I wished that I had started out school differently, instead of building myself up to be someone that I'm not - well, at least not all the time. But now, I think that it's awfully difficult for people in school to take me seriously, to really see me just like they see everyone else - someone who's trying their best to live with the bad choices they've made.

You know what. I'm really slack compared to everyone else in my course who's sloggging their arses off for a good grade, and I know it seems otherwise, but I really do care about doing well in school. It's just that it's so damn tiresome to work for something that you derive no pleasure from - like there's no end to this longass lousy day. I know it's no excuse, and seriously I really just have no self-discipline but what's done is done, and at the end of the day, I'm just paying for a whole series of bad choices I've made since the day I stopped working for law school and 3As.

Damn.

Will you believe me when I say that last night was the worst I've felt in a really really long time? I sat in the living room, trying so damn fucking hard to memorise the mechanisms and reactions and it all just felt so hopeless. I went through panic, I went through despair and I went through acceptance - again, and again and again. It killed me. You see. I'm not short on confidence, and I know that I've been pretty lucky in whatever I do - I may not be the best, but I'm sure as hell not the worst. But last night made me feel like such a failure.

Sigh.

Will you believe me when I say that I've never done it before and I never want to do it again? I'm not proud of it, and I know if I were someone else I'll get mad at me too but at least I didn't cheat. At the end of the day, it probably won't even matter in the grand scheme of things. But at least for today, it made me feel really really bad about myself.

I know that I'll still care about what people think of me, and I'll hate for people to think of me in this manner. But there's a price to pay for every action that you take, and the best I can do is to accept the consquences and look forward.

I can only hope that I'll be stronger when the dust settles.