I'm going home.

HOME
I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

Sunday, July 08, 2007

6:19 PM

Have you ever wished that things weren't quite so difficult?

It's been a helluva ride, but yet at the end of the day, everything's back to square one. I'm still gonna be a ntu biological science student, and I'm still always going to be wondering what I've missed out. I know that I never actually wanted to be a combat engineer, but that doesn't make me feel any better. This knowledge that I would have been miserable as a combat engineer is a small small consolation, because human nature is such that we often seek instant gratification, fuck all consquences. All that matters is the fact that I'm here bummming away 'till uni starts while everyone else is getting ready for tekong on the 13th of July.

It stinks.

And what makes things worse is watching others live out your dreams - especially people close to you. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I see OCTs everywhere I go, and the training video that was screened today really stung. Being in OCS today was a bitch, and everywhere I went just made my head swim and my heart ache with an awful longing to belong there. I don't suppose many people can understand what I'm trying to say, but hell - I just had to let it out.

So as you can probably already tell, the last few weeks hasn't been all that great. I wish I could look upon things the way you look through the lens of a camera - because somehow looking through the lens allows for a certain detachment from all the negative feelings that threatens to suffocate.

But things aren't never quite so simple.