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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

9:35 PM
It's tiring to try to understand my warped psyche.

All this while, I've been trying my best to protect you from the things people say.
I kept quiet about the things I've heard, no matter how painful, just so that you won't feel like people were talking about you, conspiring behind your back.
I've tried so hard to show you that people still cared, that the end of a relationship did not neccessarily mean the end of love, of friendship.

Yes, I'm human, I've made mistakes.
Perhaps I could have tried harder to understand you, to empathise with you, or maybe I could have done more before I gave up and bailed out. Maybe I should have done more, tried harder to show you that I did, in fact, loved you. On hindsight, there were things I could have and should have done and for all those things, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down and left you when, perhaps, you needed someone. But please understand, I could barely keep myself from breaking down at that point in time, much less help you. And I thought, at that moment, the only choice was for me to leave, the better thing for me, the best thing for you. I don't deny that it was a tad selfish, but it seemed the wisest thing to do. If it was a mistake, if I hurt you - then I'm really sorry, but that was never my intention.

It was never my intention to validate your views and opinions of mankind with my actions, but I understand why. It was inconsiderate and unfeeling of me to attempt to analyse the whole issue with certain parties, but you have to understand, these people were and still is, the people who cared enough to ask. I was blind in my misery, and the concerned questions and gentle probing was catalyst enough to make me spill out the tragic story, in all of its glory. But I swear, never once, did I blame you or what you did.

But you won't believe me, will you?
You won't believe me if I told you that I said that I was happy to see that you had found someone you were happy with, someone whom you love. You won't believe me if I said I went on to say that I hoped, and still hope, that you two would last and you would be able to experience all the good things in life that I wish you, with all my heart.

You won't believe me if I said how much it hurted, at that point in time, to hear you protect someone else time and time again, instead of sticking up for me. You won't believe me if I told you how it killed me when I heard the stuffs that you were supposed to have said about me. You won't believe me if I said how painful it was to have you tell me that I was pretending to hurt. You won't believe me if I said how much it hurts to have you accuse me of betraying you, of lying, of a million and one other things. You won't believe me if I said that I didn't do anything you said, save the discussions with certain parties. You won't believe me if I said that I didn't say anything of value, and we certainly did not speak ill of you, when I spoke to your ex for all of 30 seconds.

You won't believe me, will you?

You won't believe me when I said that I'm not a player. You won't believe me when I said that there was nothing going on between my friend and I, or your friend and I.

You won't believe me, will you?

If so, then could I ask you something?
Why then, should I believe you?

I've apologised, and I still will, I never should have discussed my feelings with her, but please understand, it would have killed me if I kept it all inside. I was drowning, my mind unable to comprehend what had happened, why it happened, but most of all, how could it have happened? I never believed shakespeare when he said, all the world's a stage, but you would understand, now that you know what I heard that you were supposed to have said about me, why I was led to believe that the whole relationship was a facade. And that scared me, so badly, to believe that I was stupid enough to invest almost everything, into something that was so blantant a lie.
Now, I am forced to consider the option that perhaps you never did say what you were supposed to have said - if so, then I owe you an apology. But please don't blame me for not believing in you wholeheartedly, but I know not what to believe. One side is lying, the question is who? The thought of either side lying is scary, and horrible to comprehend. How will I know who's telling the truth?

Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.
Everything that has happened thus far, has messed me up pretty badly inside. It can't be said to be the sole reason for my questionable present state of mind, but it is definately a reason. I'm tired, of fighting, and trying to be reasonable, and of trying to explain myself. I just can't seem to say anything right to you. It seems like the more I try to explain, the deeper a hole I dig for myself, and the more upset you get. And I get hurt too, when you say stuffs that make it sound like I care for no one but myself, you couldn't be further away from the truth.

People tell me to stay away from you, they say you're just making use of me to satisfy your whims and fancies. Please tell me you're not, because I really don't want to believe them. I just don't want any more fighting, any more back stabbing - I just want us to be friends. To be able to talk like friends do, without hidden meanings or sacarstic comments.

For all the pain and misery that's written in the pages thus far, could we have, for once, a half decent ending to the story?

Dear Lord,
Please show me that goodness still exists.

Amen.