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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

1:18 AM
A broken web of friendships - shattered into a million pieces.


Once upon a time, we were 4. Now, we are... I don't know, none?
I'm an asshole, a true-blue certified asshole. I swore I'll never get caught up in this shit again, I swore I would never ever be like one of them. It was only one lapse in judgement and yet I look set to lose a friend for life. It's a fucking high price to pay for an innocent mistake. What an irony - how can any mistake be innocent?
It was my fault, I didn't tell her I couldn't meet her, I told her I was going to be really late. She said to call when I was done, she had to meet her friends. I forgot, I thought she was with her friends already. Until she called and asked me where I was - warm under the covers - and she was still there, waiting for me. Oh god I swear I didn't know she was still there. She was pissed, really really mad. And I was scared, I am scared. Scared and guilty. It was all my fault - you see I got too caught up in my own shit and I forgot. Clean and plain forgot until she called.
I didn't know what to say, except I'm sorry. But an apology is so inadequate for a mistake of my proportions isn't it? I could apologise till I ran out of voice, or until the sun came up but it's all so godamn useless.
Is this Your way of telling me what a bastard I've become lately? If so, it worked. I'm scared shitless - terrified at the cosquences of my actions - and ridden with guilt. No more booze binges and no more clubbing for me, at least for a long long time. I'm petrified of the reflection in the mirror that's staring back at me after yet another late night out - the bloodshot eyes, the shaking hands, the slight I don't give a shit smirk, and the way the reflection just screams monster. God this isn't me, what is this thing I've created?


There's still time, I hope. Time enough to get my life back on track 'cos I don't ever want to see that side of me again. They're right - it isn't worth it to beat myself up forever over that one error in judgement. But Fuck I feel so guilty - dude, if you're reading this, I am so so so sorry. If I'm lucky, one friend's all I'm going to lose, I need to get my act together. So shagged tonight, feeling so tired and so guilty.


I'm sick of that monster in the mirror - I need to find myself again.
I need someone to teach me the right thing to do with all this that I know.
I need somebody to whisper in my ears everyday and tell me to be thankful for all the wonderful things in my life, and never to take them for granted.
I need a little angel voice in my head to remind me to believe in life and all of its beauty.
I need some motivation - I need to know that I can do it.
I need a louder conscience that shrieks in my ears and constantly warns me not to be like everyone else.
I need a person to rap me on my knuckles and to pull my ears when I'm being a bastard to my friends.


But right now, I need to get some sleep. I can't keep my eyes open, I know I shot myself in my foot tonight. I just wished... it had been my head.


Dude, I am so sorry. Words are so so inadequate, but I don't know what else I can do.