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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

3:28 AM
Always searching.

I'm always searching, always looking for the perfect body of text to describe these fleeting emotions, but it seems as elusive as the perfect lover, the only one. Admittedly, we have to wonder, does it even exist? Do we all not, as humans do, find inperfection in everything we see, controvesy in even the seemingly most mundane of matters?
How then, will we ever be contended?

I don't know really. I'll like to lead a simple life, with just a few simple things. But the cruel irony of life is to deny you of your most pressing desires, and watch as spectators do while we suffer in its absence. To be fair, it would take the fun out of most things if we were able to accquire anything by the simple expression of a desire. But in there lies the question: when is too much, too much?
When do we go from desperately yearning to passive indifference? What happens when we figure out that our pursuits are essentially, useless? What are we supposed to do, then?

Do you remember, as I do, the many times when you were a little kid, and your parents/teacher/(insert boring, authoritive adult here) sit you down and tell you that the key to happiness is an awful lot of hard work? And you - in your childlike innocence, and because anyone who has the ability to take away your sweets, and spank you for absolutely no reason Must be right - fall for it hook, line and sinker?

I suppose they're just trying to protect us from the awful truth of life, that fairytales don't exist, and that prince charmings and happily ever afters are as rare as small pox in modern society, which is to say, non-existant but times have changed, and the mayhem around us speaks volumes of this change. Perhaps I'm being a tad harsh, but it's hard to stay positive when you feel like you've been slapped in your face. (Actually, knocked on your ass seems to be a more apt description.)

But I reckon that He has a reason for everything, no?
Perhaps I should learn to be like everyone else, and be contended with the anticipation of happiness. To be consoled by the fact that someday, somehow I'll be happy, or at least, I wouldn't be miserable.
But this is where the curse of knowledge screws with your head, and condemns you to life on your ass. How can you be happy, when you know, that things are going to be more miserable when you wake up in the morning? How can you be contended with the knowledge of the insecurity of everything that was meant, in storybooks and fairytales, to be permanent? And what do all this knowledge mean?

Should we live life with recklessly, without a care in the world - for every moment belongs only once to the present and then forever to the past - or should we live life with our heads over our shoulder, parnoid and fearful of the next curveball that life's gonna throw you?

And what does it mean to lose hope?
To find no joy in any activity? or to lose motivation for the pursuit of success and by default, happiness? To be unable to summon any other emotion save for indifference? to is it to resign yourself to a life of misery and darkness?
If so, then perhaps I've lost hope too long ago..

Logic battles with emotions, rationale with despair, as the conflict in my head resumes, this time, the battle more heated than ever before.

Like a desperate gambler, it's all or nothing - Showhand