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I'm staring out into the night,
And trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home to the place where I belong,
where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

-Chris Daughtry

12:56 AM
My throat is raw and my head is spinning. I forget how bad it can get. People say that they crave the thrill that it gives them, it makes them feel alive. It ain't that way with me, it never was. Rather I crave the way it makes you feel numb and how the rest of the world fades out in comparision to it.
I'm so sick of this shit. It ain't so much about what has happened in the past few days, it's more about what the whole episode stands for. You know how they say it ain't so much about the messenger, but rather about the message? Yeah, that's kind of like what this is. All the hypocritical bullshit in life is wearing me down. It doesn't make sense to kill yourself for the sake of someone only to get all this crap back in return, it really doesn't. The latest failed episode just serves to remind me of how nasty this world can get and how everything's pretty much just a facade.
It leads me to think that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle bigger than I am, and there's nothing much I can do about it. And seriously, if it comes down to a choice of fighting them vs joining them, I simply don't have the energy to fight it anymore. Fighting them requires a kind of blind faith and energy that I just can't seem to summon at this point in time so honestly, I might as well join them, no?
Being a self-righteous, egoistical bastard requires effort, but being good and nice requires more effort. People second guess your every move, thinking in their minds that it's impossible for someone to do something nice without an ulterior motive. I wanna tell them that that isn't true, that some people do actually care enough to help someone without wanting anything back. That it's rare but unconditional love does exist, to some degree. But it's so damn draining to try to convince them of something that they've been programmed to think otherwise for the last decade.
And somehow, you come to realise that you really don't make a difference, in spite of what you first thought. You can think that you've tried your hardest to show people that some good exist in the world, and you can even allow yourself to indulge in the silly notion that they've actually believed it, but in truth, they haven't. They're living a lie, and so are you.
I ain't a saint, and I don't want to be good. 18 years of trying to do the right thing is killing me inside, bit by bit and I'm feeling more dead than alive. It ain't just another episode of depression, it's more of a realisation (enlightenment?) that it's no good trying to fight what's inevitable, you're only prolonging your own agony.
It hurts to wake up in the morning and realise you're alive. It's hard to fall asleep at night knowing that you'll have to wake up in the morning and face the world again. It's torturous to watching the minutes tick away, fully aware of the fact that for every minute that passes, there's a few million minutes more to go. It's just too hard to live your life knowing that the best (which happened a few hundred years ago) has passed you by.
I ain't courageous enough to kill myself, I get easily frightened by the notion of burning in hell forever. But I sure can hasten my own death. I used to live life pretty recklessly, but I think now it ain't enough. There's no use holding back that sliding tackle or turning away from the stick flying into your face 'cos if I'm really lucky, one of them might just kill me and put me out of my misery. And I think I'm overdued for a dose of good luck.
So the next time you see me living on the edge, don't try to convince me otherwise. I've spent the past 18 years trying to convince other people of the same thing and failing miserably so really, it ain't going to be of any use trying to convince me.
It's like a debate really and the motion is This House Believes that the world isn't worth living for. I know all the arguements against it by heart, having wasted my own sweat and blood trying to convince cynical adjudicaters to believe in the beauty of life. And when you're living in what seems like an extended period of being burnt at the stake, somehow your heart ain't in it anymore and you're disillusioned. So completely and totally disillusioned it would break my heart if it ain't already broken.
So I'm gonna be a member of the proposition from now onwards. It stinks, but if I had my way, I won't be around long enough to be convinced otherwise. It hurts to be stabbed, but it's just hell when someone comes along to give the knife a little twist. My guess is, death would be a release. So good night you all, and I'm gonna try to get some sleep with the knowledge that everyday that passes is one day closer to salvation.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.